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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Larry, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Thank G-d for heroes
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GOLF JOKE
Subject: Changes in the rule book of golf
2003 Golf Rule Book Changes
Rule 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule 4. If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6. There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds" If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology not a penalty.
Rule 7. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule 8. Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Senior Golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
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JEWISH JOKE
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
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LAWYER JOKE
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
Submitted by: Lindsay G.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I
realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I
turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head
when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered,
"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
submitted by: Judy Herbst
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Gift Cards
Well the crooks have found a way to rob you of your gift card balance.
If you buy Gift Cards from a display rack that has various store cards you may become a victim of theft. Crooks are now jotting down the card numbers in the store and then wait a few days and call to see how much of a balance they have on the card. Once they find the card is "activated", they go online and start shopping.
You may want to purchase your card from a customer service person, where they do not have the Gift Cards viewable to the public.
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