Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
A good looking, very shapely blonde was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the obviously wealthy, handsome gentleman reading a leather-bound book. The gentleman was reclined on a blanket very near her.
"Hello, sir," she said, "I was just wondering, In addition to reading -- do you like movies?" "Yes, I do. I'm an avid movie fan. I like to see movies after I have
read the book," he responded." He continued, "I even like history and politics.I'm a
sucker for the old classics. I must admit, sometimes I catch myself attending
musicals and even the sex and violence types. Yes, I love a good movie." He
smiled, then started reading his book again.
Blonde persisted. "Do you like gardening? Do you get turned on with our beautiful native plants? Do you like flowers as much as I do?" The man stopped reading and looked up from his book and said very politely, "Yes, I do. I enjoy working with plants very much. I love to garden. Native plants I love; but, I also love the exotics -- orchids, bromeliads, ferns of all types, plants with unusual leaves, trees with beautiful shedding bark -- yes, I'm obsessed with horticulture." He smiled and returned to his reading.
Undaunted, Blonde asked, "Tell me, do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on the young woman, ripping off her bikini top and quickly removing the scant covering of her goodies. In seconds they were locked in a lover's embrace and she was being ravaged. He continued to pound her until she was breathless. Never in her life had a man made love to her like that. It was more than love, it was jungle sex in its most refined form.
As the sand started to settle, as soon as Blonde could manage to wipe the sweat from her eyes and get into a semi-upright position she half-whispered, half-panted, "My G-d, How did you know that was what I wanted? How did you know I wanted you to take me like that? How did you know I liked it fast and rough?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "I also have a question, Just how in the hell did you know my name was Katz?
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to hold the
club like you hold your husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
Best 'Out-of-Office' Automatic e-mail Replies...
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain
and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
who did this over and over and over....)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
Steve.
submitted by: J. R. Z.
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
(Not a Joke) WD-40 uses!
A friend sent this to me, and when I read the "shower door" part I tried it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. Mine is plastic, not glass and it's a miracle! Then I tried my stove top.... Voila! it's now shinier than it's ever been. I'm amazed. (Read all the way down.)
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. It's name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest, as they say, is history.
It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are some of the uses:
Protects silver from tarnishing
Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
Keeps flies off cows
Restores and cleans chalkboards
Removes lipstick stains
Loosens stubborn zippers
Untangles jewelry chains
Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
Removes tomato stains from clothing
Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
Keeps scissors working smoothly
Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy
handling
Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running
smoothly
Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
Removes splattered grease on stove
Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
Lubricates prosthetic limbs
Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
Removes all traces of duct tape
I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain.
One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts fish.
WD-40 has been designated the "official multipurpose problem-solver of
NASCAR," a ringing endorsement if there ever was one. Can WD-40 can
solve the Jeff Gordon problem?
In celebration of their 50th year, the company conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of it's customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is a WD-40 Fan Club).
They compiled the information to identify the favorite use in each of the 50 states. Naturally I was curious about Georgia and Alabama and found the favorite use in both states was that it "penetrates stuck bolts, lug nuts, and hose ends." Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
California's favorite use was penetrating the bolts on the Golden Gate Bridge.
Let me close with one final, wonderful use--the favorite use in the state of New York--WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
