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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blond." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000, with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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GOLF JOKE
Joel had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his Rabbi. But on the 9th hole, when twice failed to hit out of the sand trap, he lost it and let loose with several expletives.
The Rabbi felt obliged to respond. “ I have noticed,” he said in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”
“I guess not,” said Joel, “what the hell do they have to swear about?”
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JEWISH JOKE
Talmudic Logic
The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much, but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud.
The Rabbi replied: You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud. But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud. Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question. The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi , What is the Question? The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up? Very Simple, replied the Priest. The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up. The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
I told that that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question. The Rabbi then says to the Priest: Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up? The Priest then says to the Rabbi: Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and therefore does not go to wash up.
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up.
The Priest complains to the Rabbi, But you did not tell me that that there is a mirror there. The Rabbi then tells the Priest: I told you. You are a Non-Jew, and with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities.
All right, groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. Let us try once more. Ask me one more question.
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest, Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
That is very simple! replied the Priest. If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up.
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: I told that you will not succeed in understanding. Tell me: How is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean?
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LAWYER JOKE
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...So if I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Good information and recommendations...hope it helps. ----- Original Message -----Subject: Free legal advice - how to protect your identity We often forget that we too can become victims -Please take time to read the following: A corporate attorney in New York sent this out to the employees in his company. I am passing it along, for your information.
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc., you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place.
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and
within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway
computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the
damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never ever thought to do this) - Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost 2 weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
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