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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas
Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of
them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"
The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "this is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
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GOLF JOKE
Wife to husband, "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."
"Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."
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JEWISH JOKE
A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand.
"How old are you?", asked the District Attorney.
"I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one."
"What was that?"
"I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one." the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the question or be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I ask?" and turned towards the old man,
"Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one"
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Irish and Their Jokes
Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A: A bachelor.
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
submitted by: Judy Herbst
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USEFUL INFORMATION
I just wanted to pass some information on to you. I was watching Channel 2 this morning. They had a Dr. Edward Fujimoto from Castle Hospital on the program. He is the manager of the Wellness Program at the hospital. He was talking about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat and plastics releases dioxins into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Dioxins are carcinogens and highly toxic to the cells of our bodies. Instead, he recommends using glass, Corning Ware, or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results without the dioxins.
So such things as TV dinners, and soups, etc. should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. Just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc.
He said we might remember when some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
