Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz?
No, but I have been swung around by the tits.
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.
His wife asks, "What's the matter?"
"My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer
replied. "That's terrible," said his wife.
"You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing
but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...."
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
bemisquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and
blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Submitted by: Lindsay G.
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
TIPS ON STAYING SAFE... FOR MEN AND WOMEN
If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
Last night I attended a personal safety workshop, and it jolted me. It was given by an amazing man, Pat Malone, who has been a body guard for famous figures like Farrah Fawcett and Sylvester Stallone. He works for the FBI, and teaches police officers and Navy SEALS hand-to-hand combat. This man has seen it all, and knows a lot.
He focused his teachings to us on HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME. He gave us some statistics about how much the occurrences of random violence have escalated over the recent years, and it's terrible. Something like 99% of us will be exposed to, or become a victim of a violent crime.
Here are some of the most important points that I got out of his presentation:
(1.) The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are:
(a.) Lack of Awareness--You MUST know where you are & what's going on around you.
(b.) Body Language--Keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up.
(c.) Wrong Place / Wrong Time--DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night.
(2.) Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc, and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc). DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
(a.) A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
(b.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
(c.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (Better paranoid than dead.)
(3.) ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
(a.) Do not get on an elevator if there is a weirdo already on there. (Of course bad men don't always look bad).
(b.) Do not stand back in the corners of the elevator, be near the front, by the doors, ready to get off or on.
(c.) If you get on the elevator on the 25th floor, and the Boogie Man gets on the 22nd, get off when he gets on.
(4) If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
(a.) Police make only 4 of 10 shots when they are in range of 3-9 feet. This is due to stress.
(b.) The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
(5.) As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed.
(a.) Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
(b.) Pat Malone told us the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her. Then she saw a police car come towards her with cops who said hello. She also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her for help. He wanted her to close his passenger side door. He was sitting in the driver's side, and said he was handicapped. He continued calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began cursing at her. In the meantime, she wondered why he didn't ask the 2 older ladies, or the policeman for help, and why he was not parked in any of the empty handicap spots. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers were exiting, and as she told them the story, and turned to point at the car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front, and the car sped away. DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THIS TRAP.
(6.). Tips to saving your life, if you have gotten into a violent situation:
(a.) REACT IMMEDIATELY. If he abducts you in a parking lot, and is taking you to an abandoned area, DON'T LET HIM GET YOU TO THAT AREA. If you are driving, react immediately in the situation, and crash your car while still going 5 mph. If he's driving, find the right time, and stick your fingers in his eyes. He must watch the road, so choose an unsuspecting time, and gouge him. It is your ONLY defense. While he is in shock, GET OUT. (This sounds gross, but the alternative is your fault if you do not act.)
(b.) RESIST - Don't go along with him: run, if you are able: DON'T EVER GIVE UP! You DO NOT want to get to a crime scene.
(7.) Always keep your distance when walking past strangers on the street or in dark areas.
(8.) GET A CELL PHONE.
(a.) There are packages for $19.95 a month that allow you to program only 911 into the dialing out program.
(This is an alternative for parents who say it is too expensive for their kids to have a cell phone.)
(9.) BREAK DOWNS: Make every effort to avoid this by ALWAYS keeping your car in good working order.
(a.) If your car breaks down: LOCK YOUR DOORS. You better have a cell phone to call for help.
(b). If you don't have a cell phone: (shame on you) keep a blanket, warm clothes, a pair of boots, and a flashlight in your car always, for emergencies.
(c.) If it's noon on a business day, you may want to put your hazards on and walk to safety.
(d.) If it's 2 a. m, put on your warm clothes, and walk to a lighted area. You are a perfect target if you are sitting in your car when it's broken down. Predators search the highways for easy targets like you.
(e.) If you're on a desolate road: walk away from the car (in your warm clothes) and go to some bushes, or some area AWAY from your vehicles. It will be cold, and uncomfortable, but you DO NOT want to stay in your car, and there are no psycho bogeymen waiting in the bushes who knew you were going to break down there and then.
(10.) Physical defenses that we can use against the violent predator:
(a.) The EYES are the most vulnerable part of the body. Poke him there HARD. It may be your, only window of opportunity.
(b.) The neck is also a vulnerable spot, but you MUST know where to grip, AND HAVE THE STRENGTH to cut off his breath.
(c.) The last place is the KNEES. Everyone's knees are very vulnerable, and a swift kick here will take anyone down.
-- A cautionary note about these things. If you do not do these things right the first time, you are in trouble, because it will only anger the individual, and that anger will be TAKEN OUT ON YOU. I'm not saying don't attempt them (it may be your only hope), but be forceful when you do.
(11.) If you are walking alone in the dark (which you shouldn't be) and you find him following/chasing you:
(a.) Scream "FIRE!", and not "help". People don't want to get involved when people yell "help", but "fire" draws attention because people are nosy.
(b.) RUN!
(c.) Find an obstacle, such as a parked car, and run around it, like Ring Around the Rosie. This may sound silly, but over the years, 5 women have told Pat Malone that this SAVED THEIR LIVES.
(d.) Your last hope is getting under the car. Once you are under there, there are tons of things to hold on to, and he will not be able to get you out and will not come under for you (most likely). Usually they give up by this point. The catch here is that YOU MUST PRACTICE GETTING UNDER THE CAR.
You must have a plan (he will have one); know if you will be going on your back, front, from the side or back of the car. It must be practiced.
(12.) Never let yourself or anyone that you know be a "CLOSER" in any type of business (bar, store, restaurant, gas station). Pat knew Danielle, who was a girl that just died from being shot point-blank by some kids while she was closing at the local gas station. He talked with her the night before she died, and asked whether it ever scared her to close alone. She said yes, but said, "I'll be alright, Pat. I'll be alright." She wasn't.
Our world is not as safe as we pretend that it is, and living in our fantasy worlds WILL get us in trouble, sooner or later. Pat Malone said, again and again, that the women who die EVERY MINUTE from violent crimes expected to go to bed tonight, and get up tomorrow. No one expects it, but we must be prepared and be aware so that we HAVE A PLAN.
BE PREPARED TO ACT! AND ACT HARD! HAVE A PLAN!
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
