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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
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GOLF JOKE
Subject: The Truly Useful Golf Book
The Truly Useful Golf Book. It includes the following chapters:
* How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
* How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
* How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
* How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
* When to Give the Ranger the Finger
* Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
* Crying and How to Handle it
* Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
* How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
* How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
* Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
* How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed
* How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
* When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
* G-d and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
I understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever"
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JEWISH JOKE
THE JEWISH GUIDE TO GOOD HEALTH
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you meshuga? ......Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Now go have a biscuit........flour comes from wheat, which is a veggie!
And finally ; if swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Most of us take the summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of scam has surfaced. Fall for it and your identity could be stolen, reports CBS. In this con, someone calls pretending to be a court official who threateningly says a warrant has been issued for your arrest because you didn't show up for jury duty. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Sometimes they even ask for credit card numbers. Give out any of this information and .... Bingo! Your identity has just been stolen. The scam has been reported so far in 11 states. This scam is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully peopl e into giving information by pretending they're with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud
Here is the link if you want to check it out. http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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How many lawyer jokes are there?
