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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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GOLF JOKE
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well", it was like this, said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball . . . . . . stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
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JEWISH JOKE
RABBINICAL WISDOM
A little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on.
After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for the Sabbath
The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50.
The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition: that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: "What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?"
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands $1000 over to the Rabbi.
He then asks the Rabbi, "What kind of animal was it?"
The Rabbi says "How should I know"? and gives him $50.00.
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CLASSIC JOKE
An 80-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor listened to his heart with the stethoscope, he began to mutter, "Uh-oh."
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Perplexed, the old man thought a minute and said, "Which half -- the looking or the thinking?"
Submitted by: Margo Australia
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USEFUL INFORMATION
How To Stay Young and Happy!
Throw out all the non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them - that is why you pay him.
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few of your relatives to do the job.
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let your brain idle.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you our entire life is yourself.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health. If it is good - preserve it. If it is unstable - improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve - get help.
Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country... but not to guilt.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
And remember that Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take... but by the moments that take our breath away!
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
