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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a blonde co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"
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GOLF JOKE
Four major executives from various countries were playing golf together. On the second tee they heard a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares", the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. I'm such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me anytime, Therefore I carry a cell phone with me everywhere I go the Canadian Executive says.
On the next tee, they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb in his ear, and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular phone.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stand up tall and says "O.K. sell the company now. Danka. He losens up and tells the others "i"m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.
At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. They find the Japanese guy in the bushes with his pants around his ankles and squatting as if to take a dump.
"Oh we are very sorry the American says, we will leave you alone,"
That's O.K. the Japanese executive says, "I'm just waiting for a FAX."
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JEWISH JOKE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Advantages Of Breast Milk
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom,
staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,
what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Trivia
~Bank robber, John Dillinger, played professional baseball.
~ If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
~The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
~If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.
~The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.
~ Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
~ Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
~Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
~An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
~Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
~The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie 'Barbarella'.
~Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
~Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
~The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
~Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
~Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
~The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
~The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
~Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.
~111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
~Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
~The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert, the cop, and Ernie, the taxi driver, in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
~It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
~Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
~Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
~In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
~Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
~Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
~Goethe (never heard of him) couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
~If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
~The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
~Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
