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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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GOLF JOKE
Golf Wisdom
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> When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
> ~Author Unknown.
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> I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
> ~Author Unknown
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> I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
> ~Author Unknown
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> They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
> ~Raymond Floyd
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> The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
> ~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
>
> Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
> ~Jim Bishop
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> It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
> I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
> ~Hank Aaron
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> Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
> ~Paul Harvey
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> Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
> ~Jack Benny
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> Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
> ~Al Boliska
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> The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
> ~Billy Graham
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> Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
> ~Ben Hogan
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> Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball.
> Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
> ~Chuck Hogan
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> If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
> ~Jack Lemmon
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> It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
> ~Mark Twain
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> Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
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> ~Harry Vardon
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> Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
> ~Woodrow Wilson
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> A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
> ~Author Unknown
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> My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
> ~Jimmy DeMaret
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> May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
> ~Author Unknown
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> If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
> ~Author Unknown
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> The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
> ~George Deukmejian
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> AND FINALLY....
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> Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
> ~Author Unknown
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JEWISH JOKE
Meyer, a lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along the street one day wishing that something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish.
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du....yeah, du....outside, standing like a putzel....eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. When suddenly the proprietor sprang out from the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here fella and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vu den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked to the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends.
They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers.
The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to davan and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the high holy days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (at even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed. Meyer heard not a peep from the bird.
He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found out that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing.
Finally, several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made you tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
“Don't be a shmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kipper!"
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LAWYER JOKE
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be
yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if
it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what
you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as
a bell my body said, "Listen fatty ... do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day.
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Good information and recommendations...hope it helps. ----- Original Message -----Subject: Free legal advice - how to protect your identity We often forget that we too can become victims -Please take time to read the following: A corporate attorney in New York sent this out to the employees in his company. I am passing it along, for your information.
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc., you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place.
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and
within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway
computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the
damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never ever thought to do this) - Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost 2 weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
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