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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Did you hear about the blonde that...
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said, "good up to 20 pounds"
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
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GOLF JOKE
Anyone for Golf?
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill-adapted for the purpose.
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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JEWISH JOKE
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old girl.
Father: When was the last time you made a confession?
Man: I never have, I am Jewish.
Father: Then why are you telling me all this?
Man: I am telling everybody ...
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LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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CLASSIC JOKE
DR. visit
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
submitted by: Elmer Nance
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USEFUL INFORMATION
ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.
ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.
ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.
ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.
CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.
COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.
CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.
hmm what a claim to fame!
DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the largest city in America.
GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.
HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state. Cause they hula!
IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.
ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.
INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which get a half million letters to Santa every year.
IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.
KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.
KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.
LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.
MAINE .. It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.
MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.
MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.
MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.
MINNESOTA ... Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.
MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here. That's how the teddy bear got its name.
MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
MONTANA ... A sapphire from Montana is the Crown Jewels of England.
NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.
NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.
NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.
NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.
NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.
OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.
OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.
PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.
RHODE ISLAND .. The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.
SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.
SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.
TENNESSEE ... Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.
TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.
UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.
VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.
VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building, the Pentagon.
WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.
WASHINGTON D.C. ... Was the first planned capital in the world.
WEST VIRGINIA .. Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.
WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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