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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
An old blacksmith realized it was time to quit working so hard, so he picked out a strong young blonde man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the blonde young man. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith!
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GOLF JOKE
Subject: The Truly Useful Golf Book
The Truly Useful Golf Book. It includes the following chapters:
* How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
* How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
* How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
* How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
* When to Give the Ranger the Finger
* Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
* Crying and How to Handle it
* Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
* How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
* How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
* Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
* How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed
* How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
* When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
* G-d and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
I understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever"
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JEWISH JOKE
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
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LAWYER JOKE
The defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender wasn't interested in his case.
The judge addressed the PD: "What do you have to say to that?"
The PD replied, "Could you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."
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CLASSIC JOKE
Subject: Lab Diet
I used to have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my testicles when a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to piss his pant, he was laughing so hard.
submitted by: Rene Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
A Friend Is Someone
Who Reaches For Your
Hand But Touches Your Heart
"The Only Way To Have A Friend Is To Be One."
submitted by: Elmer Nance
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