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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
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GOLF JOKE
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and
lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto
the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes
sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before
it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its
mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops
down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the
green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the
ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't
stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
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JEWISH JOKE
The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Purim .
"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."
"Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo."
"That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport... And try to get a seat on the plane... And I hate sitting in the middle..."
"Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"
"Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..."
"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..."
"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"
"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come...for you."
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LAWYER JOKE
There is a truck driver who whenever he sees a lawyer walking down the street, he always swerves to hit him.
One day he sees a priest on the side of the road looking for a ride and so the truck driver picks him up. While they were driving, the driver sees a lawyer, and swerves to hit him. But then he remembered he had a priest in the truck, so he swerved back on the road, but he heard a loud 'thump' anyway. So the driver turns to the priest and says "Please forgive me." and the priest said, "You didn't hit the lawyer, but that's OK, I got him with the door."
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CLASSIC JOKE
I want to be a Bear...
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yep..... I wanna be a bear.
Submitted by: Barbara Shorr
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Things you may not have known..................
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - other wise it will digest itself.
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print.
12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English aw,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (sorta obvious)
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator
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