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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas
Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of
them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"
The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "this is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
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GOLF JOKE
Avid golfer
Joe was teeing off the first hole, from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path.
Unable to stop his down swing, he nailed the ball, hitting Mary in the right temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Joe received a call from the coroner, concerning her autopsy.
“Joe, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple; Is that correct?”
“Yes Sir,” Joe replied, “that’s correct.”
"Well Joe, I also found a large bruise on Mary’s right hip. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes Sir," Joe said, "That would have been my mulligan."
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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JEWISH JOKE
The temple board president, a very pious Jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son has converted to Christianity. He is so besides himself that he goes to talk to the Rebbe, the highest authority he knows.
He says "Rebbe, Rebbe what have I done wrong? I brought him to Temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"
The Rebbe says "Funny ting, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, can not figure out what went wrong, after all I am the Rebbe, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rebbe continues "There is only one thing we can do, we must speak to a higher authority still.
The Rebbe and the Board President make there way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to G-d. They say:"Oh, Adoni, where have we gone
wrong, our only sons have shunned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?"
A big booming voice is heard from above to say; "FUNNY THING!"
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LAWYER JOKE
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
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CLASSIC JOKE
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "You must have really pissed Grandma off then."
Submitted by: Alicia Risdon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....Here in California we are also paying higher, upwards of $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.
Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose , CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.
Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
Another reminder. If there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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