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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Blonde Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had
to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
submitted by: Beverly Rosoff
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GOLF JOKE
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it cost him another buck. His room is only a buck a
day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out the next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00
Sleeve of three golf balls: $3,000.00
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry sir," said the manager, "But you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could have gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would have known what I was paying for!"
"That's right sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
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JEWISH JOKE
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi.... "Could lead to dancing!"
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CLASSIC JOKE
Genealogy of Creation
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race
appear?'
The mother answered, 'G-d made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how come you told
me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from
monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
submitted by: Harold Grene
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Things you may not have known..................
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - other wise it will digest itself.
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print.
12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English aw,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (sorta obvious)
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
