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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
Submitted by Harriet Kohn
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GOLF JOKE
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddy looks at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
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JEWISH JOKE
The temple board president, a very pious Jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son has converted to Christianity. He is so besides himself that he goes to talk to the Rebbe, the highest authority he knows.
He says "Rebbe, Rebbe what have I done wrong? I brought him to Temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"
The Rebbe says "Funny ting, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, can not figure out what went wrong, after all I am the Rebbe, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rebbe continues "There is only one thing we can do, we must speak to a higher authority still.
The Rebbe and the Board President make there way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to G-d. They say:"Oh, Adoni, where have we gone
wrong, our only sons have shunned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?"
A big booming voice is heard from above to say; "FUNNY THING!"
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LAWYER JOKE
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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CLASSIC JOKE
CHILDREN'S LOGIC
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
at last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and G-d are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me,
so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma,
I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her
what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall
not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused
the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it
was the 20,000 leaks!"
8. When my grandson, Tyler, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a
little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,
"How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just
change "y" to "i" and add 'es'."
11. Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small
boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took
the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she
asked "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a
child."
12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He
had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her
life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my
coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of
waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of
their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that
must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth
person?"- - - - - - "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the
argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the
fire hydrant."
Submitted by: Wanda Forsythe
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Do not turn on A/C immediately as soon as you enter the car
The given article is based on true facts!
Please do not turn on A/C immediately as soon as you enter the car. Open the windows after you enter your car and turn ON the air-conditioning after a couple of minutes.
According to a research done, the car dashboard, sofa, air freshener emits Benzene, a Cancer causing toxin (carcinogen - take note of the heated plastic Smell in your car).
In addition to causing cancer, it poisons your bones, causes anemia, and reduces white blood cells.
Prolonged exposure will cause Leukemia,increasing the risk of cancer. May also cause miscarriage.
Acceptable Benzene level indoors is 50 mg per sq. ft.. A car parked indoors with the windows closed will contain 400-800 mg of Benzene. If parked outdoors under the sun at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the Benzene level goes up to 2000-4000 mg, 40 times the acceptable level... & the people inside the car will inevitably inhale an excess amount of the toxins.
It is recommended that you open the windows and door to give time for the interior to air out before you enter.
Benzene is a toxin that affects your kidney and liver, and is very difficult for your body to expel this toxic stuff.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/benzene.asp
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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