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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
New Puppy
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
Submitted by: Alicia Risdon
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GOLF JOKE
My wife said to me, “Jere it’s about time you learned to play golf, that’s the game where you chase a ball all over the country, when you are too old to chase women.”
So I went to see Bob and asked him if he could teach me to play.
Bob said, “sure, you’ve got some balls, haven’t you?”
I said “sure, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.”
“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow,” Bob said, “and we’ll tee off.”
“What’s tee off?” I asked.
Bob said “it’s a golf term, and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”
“Not for me,” I said, “you can tee off there if you want to, but I will tee off behind the barn somewhere,”
“No, no,” Bob said, “A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.”
“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”
“Well,” Bob said, “you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”
I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”
“You do,” Bob said, “you are standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”
Well, right there I thought that was stretching things a little bit too far and I told him so.
Bob said, “you’ve got a bag haven’t you?”
“Of course,” I told him.
“Well,” he said “can’t you open your bag and take one out?”
“Well,” I said. “I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to.”
Bob asked me if I didn’t have a zipper on my bag, and I told him no, I’m the old fashioned type. Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well after 50 years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so!!!
He said, “you take your in both hands....” Well, right there, I knew he didn’t know what he was talking about.
Then he said, “you swing your club over your shoulder.”
“No, no, that’s not me that’s my brother you are talking about.”
He asked me, “how do you hold your club?”
Before I thought, I said, “with 2 fingers!”
Bob said that wasn’t right, and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn’t catch me there, because I didn’t put four years in the Navy for nothing!
Bob said, “ you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.”
And I said, “I can well imagine.”
Then Bob said, “and when you are on the green.....”
“What’s the green?” I asked.
“That’s where the hole is,” Bob said.
“Sure you aren’t color blind?” I asked.
“No, then you take your putter....”
“What’s your putter?” I asked.
“That’s the smallest club made,” he said.
That’s what I’ve got, a putter!!!
“And with it, “ Bob said, “you put your ball in the hole.”
I corrected him, “you mean the putter?”
Bob said, “The ball, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter too.”
Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for the ball and the putter too!
Then Bob said, “after you finish the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.”
He wasn’t talking to me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.
“You mean,” he said, “You can’t make eighteen holes in one day?”
“Hell no! It takes me eighteen days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I’m on the eighteenth hole?”
Then Bob said, “The flag will go up.”
THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!!!!!
Submitted by: E. Price M.D.
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JEWISH JOKE
Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in
Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with
marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will
just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones
on which alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good
paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
13. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it's loud enough for everyone
else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't
afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a
good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you
know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple,
G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida
is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after,
how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a
big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in
the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's life
when he must stand up and tell his mother
that he is an Adult. This usually happens
at around age 45.
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CLASSIC JOKE
Capitalism
A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas had been told that he wasn't paying proper wages to his help, and they sent an agent to check.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy his chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
The farmer says, "That would be me."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Things you may not have known..................
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - other wise it will digest itself.
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print.
12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English aw,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (sorta obvious)
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator
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How many lawyer jokes are there?
