Jere
jeresjokes@yahoo.com
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Subject: New Post 50: Raquel vs Aunt Bee
I'm officially wearing my grandmother's panties.
If you're a female, and you live long enough, it will happen to you.
I never thought, when I was very young and knew everything and had tight skin all over my body, I would one day wake up in the middle of the night starring down at a roll of belly fat and would find myself wearing white cotton panties the size of circus tents.
When I was just a little kid -- maybe back in the very, very late '50s -- I have memories of my sweet matronly grandmother (preparing to get dressed in the early morning) laying her panties on her bed alongside her soft cotton floral dress and roll-up hose. I remember staring at those panties thinking you could house a family of raccoons in there. The elastic alone could stretch to Montana.
When did I become my grandmother? She was barely 50 at the time, but in my child-like mind, my grandmother could have been 65 or 70 or whatever "old" was back then. She dressed her age (kind of like Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show), and I never -- not once -- saw her wear slacks or jeans. She always wore a nicely pressed dress that fell well below her knees with an apron tied around her waist and those stockings (no garter needed) that she rolled up and tied around the top of her shins. She was the best grandmother in the whole world because she cared for me and protected me and loved me unconditionally. Her underwear was just big.
It's the year 2012, and I'm a grandmother now but times have changed. Grandmothers today certainly don't look or dress like Aunt Bee. They look more like Raquel Welch. Fifty is supposedly the new 30 and 60 is the new 40, but what gives a woman's real age away is the underwear she keeps. I had been wearing those uncomfortable bikini panties since my early 20's and -- sometime not long after I turned 50 -- I had my first serious encounter with wedgies. When you're out shopping, you try to ignore them. You begin walking like a model prancing down a runway being chased by a rabid dog hoping to un-wedge them, but it's hopeless. You make your way to the back of the store or somewhere between two racks of clothes so you can discretely tug at your jeans hoping to dislodge the cotton stuck between your "cheeks."
I'd had enough so I recently broke down and bought one of those eight-pack packages of white cotton "full-figured" women's panties in Walmart hoping the elastic would stay above my waist covering my belly button rather than the bikini type with the elastic that turns itself over four times and settles just above the vagina. I don't date so it clearly doesn't matter how these panties look on me. Who's gonna see them? My husband Buffoon hasn't seen me naked since shortly after the birth of our fourth child (who is over 25) so who do I have to impress?
It's the little things that remind us that we're not in our 40's anymore.
First it's the little subtle lines that show up around the eyes, then the cellulite crawls under your chin giving you the first signs of a turkey neck, then it makes its way to your hips, legs and arms while sneaking in around your mid-section showing off that attractive belly fat. Then it's the dry skin on your legs that make you look like your mother was an alligator.
And, oh yes, the jowls. Jowls are precious when you're three to six months old. Not so much after you start to eat solid foods... especially over the age of 50.
And, please, somebody destroy those hip-hugger jeans! I couldn't have been more thrilled when Jessica Simpson wore her "mom jeans" even though the media made fun of her. G-d bless you, Jessica! I was rooting for an adorable mom jean role model. After you have your precious baby, Miss Jessica, you can officially wear your mom jeans again with pride. I'm begging.
There are answers for some of these unfortunate signs of aging: moisturizer, Botox, facelifts, exercise, diets, liposuction, but there is one thing that all those tricks can't change. One day, young ladies -- somewhere between the age of 50 and 65 -- you will be wearing my grandmother's panties. I promise.
What we really need is an Aunt Bee's fashionable panty line. Put me down for five packs. Mercy!
submitted by: Renee Andert
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BLONDE JOKE
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
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GOLF JOKE
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.
The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over
here and you're putting?'
'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly. 'they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.'
'Well how long will it take for him to get here,' she asks feebly?
'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his putting stroke. Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!'
submitted by: Renee Andert
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JEWISH JOKE
Meyer, a lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along the street one day wishing that something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish.
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du....yeah, du....outside, standing like a putzel....eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. When suddenly the proprietor sprang out from the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here fella and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vu den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked to the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends.
They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers.
The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to davan and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the high holy days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (at even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed. Meyer heard not a peep from the bird.
He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found out that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing.
Finally, several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made you tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
“Don't be a shmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kipper!"
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LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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CLASSIC JOKE
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was
amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
married.
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118- year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?
Submitted by: My Aunt Ruth
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Trivia
~Bank robber, John Dillinger, played professional baseball.
~ If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
~The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
~If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.
~The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.
~ Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
~ Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
~Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
~An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
~Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
~The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie 'Barbarella'.
~Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
~Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
~The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
~Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
~Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
~The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
~The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
~Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.
~111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
~Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
~The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert, the cop, and Ernie, the taxi driver, in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
~It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
~Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
~Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
~In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
~Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
~Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
~Goethe (never heard of him) couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
~If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
~The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
~Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
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