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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
I had decided to go shopping to get a gift for my wife. We were going to be taking a trip, and I knew that she would need a new swim suit. I had been to several stores, but could not find one that I knew she would wear. My wife is very modest. As I was headed home disappointed in not finding what I had been shopping for, I noticed a women's clothing store and decided to give it one last try. As I entered the store I was met by a very attractive blonde sales clerk. "Can I help you find anything special today sir?" I replied, "Maybe you can. I'm looking for a swim suit for my wife. I know that she would prefer a one piece suit if you have them."
The clerk looked a little puzzled....."Do you think that she would prefer the top or the bottom?"
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GOLF JOKE
Subject: The Truly Useful Golf Book
The Truly Useful Golf Book. It includes the following chapters:
* How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
* How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
* How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
* How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
* When to Give the Ranger the Finger
* Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
* Crying and How to Handle it
* Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
* How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
* How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
* Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
* How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed
* How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
* When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
* G-d and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
I understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever"
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JEWISH JOKE
A conversation with a Jewish mother
- Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
- You're going out?
- Yes,
- With whom?
- With a friend.
- I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
- I didn't leave him. He left me!
- You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
- I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
- I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
- There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
- What are you hinting at?
- Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
- You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
- My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he
left me, he probably never slept alone!
- So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
- He's not a loser.
- A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and
a parasite.
- I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
- Poor children with such a mother.
- Such as what?
- With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
- ENOUGH!
- Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
- Now you're worried about the loser?
- Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
- Good-bye, mother.
- Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
- I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
- If you never go out, how do you ever expect to meet anyone
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LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer in a small firm had just finished advising a client on a business matter. The fee for the advice was $100 and the client gave the lawyer a folded up $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer unfolded the bill and realized that the client had accidentally given him two $100 bills.
Now he was faced with a true moral dilemma: Should he share the extra $100 with his partners?
Submitted by: Matthew G.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day--actually, they're all hot—he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, "However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank G-d' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Eager to get to town, the man says, "Sure, okay" and gets on the horse. He says, "Thank G-d" and sho ‘nuff, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, "Thank G-d, thank G-d," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank G-d! Thank G-d! THANK G-D!" and the horse is soon up to a full run!
About then he realizes he's heading for a huge cliff and yells "Whoa!" But the horse doesn't even slow down! It's coming up REAL QUICK and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers: "AMEN!"
The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff's edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. "Oh!" he says, gasping for air, "Thank G-d."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Information
1. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
2. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
3. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
4. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
5. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
6. The "sixth sick sheiks sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!
7. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
8. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
9. Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
11. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
12. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
13. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand, lollipop with your right.
14. A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
15. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
16. The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
17. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
18. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
19. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
20. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.
21. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
22. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
23. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
24. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.
25. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: indivisibility.
26. A snail can sleep for three years.
27. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.
28. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
29. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
30. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
31. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
32. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating is uncopyrightable.
33. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
34. It's impossible to lick your elbow.
35. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.
36. Pinocchio is Italian for pine eye.
37. Rats and horses can't vomit.
38. The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
39. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
40. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
41. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
42. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
43. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
44. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
45. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
46. Butterflies taste with their feet.
submitted by: Harold Greene
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