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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
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GOLF JOKE
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the
woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and
comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and
the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little
guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the
leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did
catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three
things that I would want.
I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game
is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it,
every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's
not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
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JEWISH JOKE
A conversation with a Jewish mother
- Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
- You're going out?
- Yes,
- With whom?
- With a friend.
- I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
- I didn't leave him. He left me!
- You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
- I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
- I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
- There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
- What are you hinting at?
- Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
- You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
- My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he
left me, he probably never slept alone!
- So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
- He's not a loser.
- A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and
a parasite.
- I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
- Poor children with such a mother.
- Such as what?
- With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
- ENOUGH!
- Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
- Now you're worried about the loser?
- Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
- Good-bye, mother.
- Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
- I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
- If you never go out, how do you ever expect to meet anyone
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CLASSIC JOKE
A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the Doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Submitted by My Aunt Ruth
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Gift Cards
Well the crooks have found a way to rob you of your gift card balance.
If you buy Gift Cards from a display rack that has various store cards you may become a victim of theft. Crooks are now jotting down the card numbers in the store and then wait a few days and call to see how much of a balance they have on the card. Once they find the card is "activated", they go online and start shopping.
You may want to purchase your card from a customer service person, where they do not have the Gift Cards viewable to the public.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
