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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient windows. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.
Guess he felt really stupid, huh???
submitted by: Judy Herbst
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GOLF JOKE
Anyone for Golf?
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill-adapted for the purpose.
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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JEWISH JOKE
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp!!!
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LAWYER JOKE
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what would you say?"
Submitted by: Margo Australia
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CLASSIC JOKE
Big John, a huge lumberjack, goes to the dentist with a terrific toothache. The dentist checks him over and says "That tooth has to come out. Do you want gas or Novocain?"
Big John says "Just pull the damn thing, Doc I don't want anything".
The dentist says "You'd better have something the pain will be intolerable".
Big John says "Doc, I've only felt pain twice in my life".
The dentist says "Tell me about it".
Big John tells the dentist he was in the woods on a snowy winter day and he had to take a terrific dump, so he dropped his pants and squatted. He didn't realize he was squatting over a bear trap and the trap snapped shut on his balls. He said he felt real pain.
The dentist asked him when he felt pain for the second time.
Big John said "When I got to the end of the chain!"
Submitted by Jeff Z and Margo Australia
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Your Inspiration For The Day: Instructions For A Happy Life
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Don't believe all you hear.
When you say, "I love you", mean it.
When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Smile when picking up the phone, the caller will hear it in your voice.
Treat other's the way you want to be treated!
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