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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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GOLF JOKE
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"You're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"He's 85, older than me and he doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"You're right, he doesn't play golf anymore but he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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JEWISH JOKE
Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in
Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with
marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will
just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones
on which alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good
paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
13. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it's loud enough for everyone
else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't
afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a
good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you
know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple,
G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida
is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after,
how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a
big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in
the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's life
when he must stand up and tell his mother
that he is an Adult. This usually happens
at around age 45.
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LAWYER JOKE
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
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CLASSIC JOKE
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:!
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
How To Stay Young and Happy!
Throw out all the non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them - that is why you pay him.
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few of your relatives to do the job.
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let your brain idle.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you our entire life is yourself.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health. If it is good - preserve it. If it is unstable - improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve - get help.
Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country... but not to guilt.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
And remember that Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take... but by the moments that take our breath away!
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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