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 JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WTP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In






Todd Sabo


 BLONDE JOKE
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.

Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited
and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming
toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "how'd you do?"

"Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."

Patty said: "You should have been with me . . . did I ever find a good
machine! It's way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you . . you can't
lose! Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"

Submitted by: Bob Gasway
  ... More Blonde Jokes?


 GOLF JOKE
My wife said to me, “Jere it’s about time you learned to play golf, that’s the game where you chase a ball all over the country, when you are too old to chase women.”

So I went to see Bob and asked him if he could teach me to play.

Bob said, “sure, you’ve got some balls, haven’t you?”

I said “sure, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.”

“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow,” Bob said, “and we’ll tee off.”

“What’s tee off?” I asked.

Bob said “it’s a golf term, and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”

“Not for me,” I said, “you can tee off there if you want to, but I will tee off behind the barn somewhere,”

“No, no,” Bob said, “A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.”

“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”

“Well,” Bob said, “you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”

I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”

“You do,” Bob said, “you are standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”

Well, right there I thought that was stretching things a little bit too far and I told him so.

Bob said, “you’ve got a bag haven’t you?”

“Of course,” I told him.

“Well,” he said “can’t you open your bag and take one out?”

“Well,” I said. “I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to.”

Bob asked me if I didn’t have a zipper on my bag, and I told him no, I’m the old fashioned type. Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well after 50 years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so!!!

He said, “you take your in both hands....” Well, right there, I knew he didn’t know what he was talking about.

Then he said, “you swing your club over your shoulder.”

“No, no, that’s not me that’s my brother you are talking about.”

He asked me, “how do you hold your club?”

Before I thought, I said, “with 2 fingers!”

Bob said that wasn’t right, and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn’t catch me there, because I didn’t put four years in the Navy for nothing!

Bob said, “ you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.”

And I said, “I can well imagine.”

Then Bob said, “and when you are on the green.....”

“What’s the green?” I asked.

“That’s where the hole is,” Bob said.

“Sure you aren’t color blind?” I asked.

“No, then you take your putter....”

“What’s your putter?” I asked.

“That’s the smallest club made,” he said.

That’s what I’ve got, a putter!!!

“And with it, “ Bob said, “you put your ball in the hole.”

I corrected him, “you mean the putter?”

Bob said, “The ball, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter too.”

Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for the ball and the putter too!

Then Bob said, “after you finish the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.”

He wasn’t talking to me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.

“You mean,” he said, “You can’t make eighteen holes in one day?”

“Hell no! It takes me eighteen days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I’m on the eighteenth hole?”

Then Bob said, “The flag will go up.”

THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!!!!!

Submitted by: E. Price M.D.
  ... More Golf Jokes?


 JEWISH JOKE
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500."

She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"

Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
  ... More Jewish Jokes?


 LAWYER JOKE
Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba"

And the lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was given the hot coffee that she had ordered?"

"Yep."

"And the football player sued the university when he graduated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue all the Beer Manufacturer's for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
  ... More Lawyer Jokes?


 CLASSIC JOKE
An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and. . . OH MY G-D!". . . .

Silence followed.

Then after a few seconds, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier, but while I was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. He chuckled and said, "You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach yelled loudly, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
  ... More Classic Jokes?


 USEFUL INFORMATION
ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.

ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.

ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.

ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.

CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.

COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.

CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.
hmm what a claim to fame!

DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.

FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the largest city in America.

GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.

HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state. Cause they hula!

IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.

ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.

INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which get a half million letters to Santa every year.

IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.

KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.

KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.

LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.

MAINE .. It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.

MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.

MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.

MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.

MINNESOTA ... Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.

MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here. That's how the teddy bear got its name.

MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.

MONTANA ... A sapphire from Montana is the Crown Jewels of England.

NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.

NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.

NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.

NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.

NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.

NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.

NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.

NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.

OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.

OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.

OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.

RHODE ISLAND .. The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.

SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.

SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.

TENNESSEE ... Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.

TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.

UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.

VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.

VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building, the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.

WASHINGTON D.C. ... Was the first planned capital in the world.

WEST VIRGINIA .. Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.

WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.

WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.

Submitted by: Renee Andert
  ... More Useful Information?