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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a tight leash.
The woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and
moaned.........
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman
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GOLF JOKE
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it cost him another buck. His room is only a buck a
day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out the next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00
Sleeve of three golf balls: $3,000.00
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry sir," said the manager, "But you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could have gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would have known what I was paying for!"
"That's right sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
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JEWISH JOKE
Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered
around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,
Mama--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Rachel--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
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LAWYER JOKE
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...So if I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:!
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
DOGS TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Regular separation from you will be painful and can even cause depression. Think before you buy me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want from me don't be impatient, short-tempered or irritable.
3. Place your trust in me and I will always trust you back, respect is earned not given as some sort of inalienable right.
4. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. I am not capable of understanding why I am being locked up. I only know I have been rejected. You have your work, entertainment and friends. I only have you.
5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your tone. "You only have to look at my tail" to know that.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget, if that treatment is unjust or bad, it may spoil the special bond between us.
7. Please do not hit me. I cannot hit back, but I can bite and scratch and I don't ever want to feel the need to do that.
8. Before you tell me off me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be wrong with me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food or I've been out in the sun too long, maybe my heart is getting old and weak, or maybe I'm just dog-tired.
9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old and will also want care, love, and affection.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence". Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, Irrespective of what you do I will always love you..
Submitted by: Bea Rhea
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