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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
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GOLF JOKE
Two golfers are at the first tee: Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!''
Golfer two: ``Great trade!!!!''
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JEWISH JOKE
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly Jewish widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy, why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
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LAWYER JOKE
Lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."
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CLASSIC JOKE
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, Pumping Rust.
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it.
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping G-d grades on a curve rather than pass/fail.
The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.'
submitted by: Bob Gasway
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