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 JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WTP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In






Todd Sabo


 BLONDE JOKE
Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.
  ... More Blonde Jokes?


 GOLF JOKE
Some Rules Of Golf

/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */

1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.

10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.

13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.

14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.

15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.

16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.

18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.

19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the golf glove.

20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.

21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.

25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.

26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.


submitted by: Elmer Nance
  ... More Golf Jokes?


 JEWISH JOKE
Isaac Weiss, a married man, goes to the shul and tells the Rabbi, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The Rabbi says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

Isaac says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The Rabbi replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, pray for forgiveness and put $50 in the 'Tzedakah box'."

Isaac leaves the Rabbi, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the Tzedakah box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The Rabbi, who was watching, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the Tzedakah box!"

Isaac replied, "Well, Rabbi, I rubbed the $50 against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
  ... More Jewish Jokes?


 LAWYER JOKE
The defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender wasn't interested in his case.

The judge addressed the PD: "What do you have to say to that?"

The PD replied, "Could you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."
  ... More Lawyer Jokes?


 CLASSIC JOKE
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? What ever she wants. He's sleeping.

Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep.

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? It isn't hard.

How can you piss off your wife while making love? Call her from your mobile phone.

What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? His last name.

What's the down side to a threesome? You could disappoint two women instead of just one.

How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
  ... More Classic Jokes?


 USEFUL INFORMATION
A Friend Is Someone

Who Reaches For Your

Hand But Touches Your Heart

"The Only Way To Have A Friend Is To Be One."

submitted by: Elmer Nance
  ... More Useful Information?