Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
Jay and his blonde wife live in Buffalo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
My wife said to me, “Jere it’s about time you learned to play golf, that’s the game where you chase a ball all over the country, when you are too old to chase women.”
So I went to see Bob and asked him if he could teach me to play.
Bob said, “sure, you’ve got some balls, haven’t you?”
I said “sure, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.”
“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow,” Bob said, “and we’ll tee off.”
“What’s tee off?” I asked.
Bob said “it’s a golf term, and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”
“Not for me,” I said, “you can tee off there if you want to, but I will tee off behind the barn somewhere,”
“No, no,” Bob said, “A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.”
“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”
“Well,” Bob said, “you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”
I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”
“You do,” Bob said, “you are standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”
Well, right there I thought that was stretching things a little bit too far and I told him so.
Bob said, “you’ve got a bag haven’t you?”
“Of course,” I told him.
“Well,” he said “can’t you open your bag and take one out?”
“Well,” I said. “I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to.”
Bob asked me if I didn’t have a zipper on my bag, and I told him no, I’m the old fashioned type. Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well after 50 years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so!!!
He said, “you take your in both hands....” Well, right there, I knew he didn’t know what he was talking about.
Then he said, “you swing your club over your shoulder.”
“No, no, that’s not me that’s my brother you are talking about.”
He asked me, “how do you hold your club?”
Before I thought, I said, “with 2 fingers!”
Bob said that wasn’t right, and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn’t catch me there, because I didn’t put four years in the Navy for nothing!
Bob said, “ you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.”
And I said, “I can well imagine.”
Then Bob said, “and when you are on the green.....”
“What’s the green?” I asked.
“That’s where the hole is,” Bob said.
“Sure you aren’t color blind?” I asked.
“No, then you take your putter....”
“What’s your putter?” I asked.
“That’s the smallest club made,” he said.
That’s what I’ve got, a putter!!!
“And with it, “ Bob said, “you put your ball in the hole.”
I corrected him, “you mean the putter?”
Bob said, “The ball, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter too.”
Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for the ball and the putter too!
Then Bob said, “after you finish the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.”
He wasn’t talking to me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.
“You mean,” he said, “You can’t make eighteen holes in one day?”
“Hell no! It takes me eighteen days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I’m on the eighteenth hole?”
Then Bob said, “The flag will go up.”
THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!!!!!
Submitted by: E. Price M.D.
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "Oy, If you knew vat I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free.
She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "Oh, If you know vat I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.
She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "OY, If you know vat I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.
A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?"
The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah!"
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
After completing law school and passing the bar, a man decides to open up a
private practice with one of his law school buddies as partner.
On their first day, they set up shop, and around lunchtime, the man's buddy
goes out to get them some sandwiches.
Two minutes later, a woman walks in -- their first client!
She asks him to draw up some papers and review a couple of very simple
contracts.
"That'll be $100," the man replies.
She complies, and having just gone to the bank, hands over a brand new,
crisp $100 bill.
The woman decides to leave for the next hour, leaving the man to resume his
work.
The man, relishing in his first payment as a lawyer, sits back in his brand
new, leather chair and holds the brand new, crisp $100 bill up to the light
with admiration and pride.
He sniffs the bill and starts to rub it a bit when suddenly, he discovers
that he was mistakenly given TWO $100 bills!!!
And thus, he was confronted with his first ethical dilemma as a lawyer.
Should he tell his partner?
Submitted by Renee Andert
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
Submited by: Harold Greene
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
