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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.
"Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.
"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!"
So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
"How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!"
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.
And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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GOLF JOKE
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it cost him another buck. His room is only a buck a
day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out the next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00
Sleeve of three golf balls: $3,000.00
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry sir," said the manager, "But you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could have gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would have known what I was paying for!"
"That's right sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
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JEWISH JOKE
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?
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LAWYER JOKE
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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CLASSIC JOKE
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds
when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these"
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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USEFUL INFORMATION
TIPS TO COMBAT ID THEFT
1. Check your credit at freecreditreport.com
2. Be skeptical of any request by phone, in person or on line, for information about accounts or finances.
3. Keep your Social Security card in a safe place, not in your purse or wallet.
4. Buy a shredder and use it when disposing of any financial data.
5. Deposit all outgoing mail in official Postal Service Collection boxes.
6. Beware of any E-Mail asking for account information. Do not reply with your personal information.
7. Monitor personal accounts, check your bills carefully. Immediately report any inconsistencies.
8. Helpful site for parents, teachers and students: incredibleinternet.com.
9. If you become a victim, contact the Federal Trade Commission at: www.consumer.gov/idtheft or call 1-877-IDTHEFT.
10. Also remember no government agency will e-mail you asking for any personal information.
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