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 JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WTP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In






Todd Sabo


 BLONDE JOKE
Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
  ... More Blonde Jokes?


 GOLF JOKE
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.

The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over
here and you're putting?'

'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly. 'they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.'

'Well how long will it take for him to get here,' she asks feebly?

'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his putting stroke. Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!'


submitted by: Renee Andert
  ... More Golf Jokes?


 JEWISH JOKE
THE JEWISH GUIDE TO GOOD HEALTH

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you meshuga? ......Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Now go have a biscuit........flour comes from wheat, which is a veggie!

And finally ; if swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
  ... More Jewish Jokes?


 LAWYER JOKE
A Mexican bandito was famous for crossing the Rio Grande into Texas, robbing banks, and returning to Mexico where American sheriffs couldn’t get him. This one Texas ranger devotes himself to finding the bandito, and finally finds him in his favorite cantina in a small Mexican village.

He sneaks up behind him, puts his trusty six-shooter to his head, and says, "Now tell me where you've hidden all your loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandito couldn't speak English and the ranger didn't know any Spanish.

Fortunately there was a bilingual lawyer who offered his services to the two gentlemen and translated the ranger's question to the bandito.

The frightened Mexican answered in Spanish, "All my loot is buried under the cactus behind this cantina."

"What did he say?" asked the ranger.

The lawyer responded, "He said, 'You don't have the balls to shoot me you little chicken.'"
  ... More Lawyer Jokes?


 CLASSIC JOKE
Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Frickin' large ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Submitted by: Renee Andert
  ... More Classic Jokes?


 USEFUL INFORMATION
Your Inspiration For The Day: Instructions For A Happy Life

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Don't believe all you hear.

When you say, "I love you", mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone, the caller will hear it in your voice.

Treat other's the way you want to be treated!
  ... More Useful Information?