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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited
and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming
toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "how'd you do?"
"Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."
Patty said: "You should have been with me . . . did I ever find a good
machine! It's way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you . . you can't
lose! Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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GOLF JOKE
In the 16 and 17 centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
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JEWISH JOKE
A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day
of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says.
"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son
and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
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LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
“My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.....-
G-d, I miss him!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
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CLASSIC JOKE
Subject: Redneck Letter
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
submitted by: Tim Vermette
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Subject: Microwave Warning
I was very glad to get this email from a friend, because I have been guilty of heating water in a microwave many times. You'll be glad you read it. I also suggest passing it along to friends and family.
About five days ago, my 26-year-old son decided to have a cup of instant coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the timer for but he told me he wanted to bring the water to a boil.
When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup he noted that the water was not boiling. Then instantly the water in the cup "blew up" into his face.
The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand but all the water had flown out into his face due to the buildup of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face, which may leave scarring. He may also have lost partial sight in his left eye.
While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water alone, should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something such as a wooden stir stick or a tea bag should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy.
Here is what our science teacher has to say on the matter:
"Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur any time water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new.
What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat that has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point. What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.
Please pass this on to everyone you know, it could save a lot of pain and suffering.
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