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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
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GOLF JOKE
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden....
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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JEWISH JOKE
Sometime in the 1960's, a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to
wait to be given their rations.
After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.
Another hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist Party has to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.
Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.
Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."
An old lady in line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get treated best!"
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LAWYER JOKE
A Mexican bandito was famous for crossing the Rio Grande into Texas, robbing banks, and returning to Mexico where American sheriffs couldn’t get him. This one Texas ranger devotes himself to finding the bandito, and finally finds him in his favorite cantina in a small Mexican village.
He sneaks up behind him, puts his trusty six-shooter to his head, and says, "Now tell me where you've hidden all your loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandito couldn't speak English and the ranger didn't know any Spanish.
Fortunately there was a bilingual lawyer who offered his services to the two gentlemen and translated the ranger's question to the bandito.
The frightened Mexican answered in Spanish, "All my loot is buried under the cactus behind this cantina."
"What did he say?" asked the ranger.
The lawyer responded, "He said, 'You don't have the balls to shoot me you little chicken.'"
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CLASSIC JOKE
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
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My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust"
And that's how the fight started.
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started.
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started.
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, med rare,please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.
Submitted by: Matthew G.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Must Read for All Dog Owners!!!!
If you have a dog... PLEASE read this and send it on. If you don't have a dog, please pass along to friends who do.
Written by: Laurinda Morris, DVM
Danville Veterinary Clinic
Danville , Ohio
This week I had the first case in history of raisin toxicity ever seen at MedVet. My patient was a 56-pound, 5 yr old male neutered lab mix that ate half a canister of raisins sometime between 7:30 AM and 4:30 PM on Tuesday. He started with vomiting, diarrhea and shaking about 1AM on Wednesday but the owner didn't call my emergency service until 7AM .
I had heard somewhere about raisins AND grapes causing acute Renal failure but hadn't seen any formal paper on the subject. We had her bring the dog in immediately. In the meantime, I called the ER service at MedVet, and the doctor there was like me - had heard something about it, but.... Anyway, we contacted the ASPCA National Animal Poison Control Center and they said to give I V fluids at 1 1/2 times maintenance and watch the
kidney values for the next 48-72 hours.
The dog's BUN (blood urea nitrogen level) was already at 32
(normal less than 27) and creatinine! over 5 ( 1.9 is the high end of
normal). Both are monitors of kidney function in the bloodstream. We placed
an IV catheter and started the fluids. Rechecked the renal values at 5 PM
and the BUN was over 40 and creatinine over 7 with no urine production after
a liter of fluids. At the point I felt the dog was in acute renal failure
and sent him on to MedVet for a urinary catheter to monitor urine output
overnight as well as overnight care.
He started vomiting again overnight at MedVet and his renal
values have continued to increase daily. He produced urine when given lasix as a diuretic. He was on 3 different anti-vomiting medications and they still couldn't control his vomiting. Today his urine output decreased again, his BUN was over 120, his creatinine was at 10, his phosphorus was very elevated and his blood pressure, which had been staying around 150, skyrocketed to 220.. He continued to vomit and the owners elected to euthanize.
This is a very sad case - great dog, great owners who had no
idea raisins could be a toxin. Please alert everyone you know who has a dog
of this very serious risk. Poison control said as few as 7 raisins or grapes could be toxic. Many people I know give their dogs grapes or raisins as treats including our ex-handler's. Any exposure should give rise to
immediate concern. Onions, chocolate, cocoa and macadamia nuts can be fatal,
too.
Even if you don't have a dog, you might have friends who do.
This is worth passing on to them.
Confirmation from Snopes about the above...
http://www.snopes.com/critters/crusader/raisins.asp
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Submitted by: Renee Andert
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