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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Subject: Jack's Phone Number
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide - it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
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GOLF JOKE
Senior Rules of Golf
Rule #1
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule #2
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule #3
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule #4
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it's deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule #5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule #6
There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule #7
There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule #8
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
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JEWISH JOKE
A Rabbi and his two friends, a Priest and a Minister, played poker for small stakes once a week.
The only problem was that they live in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.
The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'
The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nodded "politely" and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
submitted by: Eddie Herbst
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Subject: Car Theft and your Vin #
As sad as it is this has already happened, thought you might like to know about this.
It seems that car thieves have found another way to steal your car or truck without any effort at all. The car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN number from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN number. The car dealer's parts dept will make a duplicate key from the VIN number and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. He doesn't have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is to walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local chop shop with your vehicle.
You don't believe it?
It IS that easy.
To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some tape – electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across the VIN label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN number, but you can cover it so it can't be viewed through the windshield by a car thief.
I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other car thief steals
another car or truck.
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How many lawyer jokes are there?
