Home | Blonde Jokes | Golf Jokes | Jewish Jokes | Lawyer Jokes | Classic Jokes | Useful Information
 Jere 

jeresjokes@yahoo.com

 Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks 
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!

 CHEAPEST GAS PRICES! 
Enter your Zip Code


 Free Online Games 

 Entertainment, Travel & Science News 

 How Old Are You? 

 Get Your Weather 
Enter your Zip Code

 Movie Listings 
Enter your Zip Code


 Get Your Stocks 
Enter Symbol:


 Get Your Horoscope 
Whats Your Sign?


 JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WTP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In






Todd Sabo


 BLONDE JOKE
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving.”

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

  ... More Blonde Jokes?


 GOLF JOKE
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much
this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my
window?""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do
you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."
  ... More Golf Jokes?


 JEWISH JOKE
Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.

The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"

A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"

To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"
  ... More Jewish Jokes?


 LAWYER JOKE
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
  ... More Lawyer Jokes?


 CLASSIC JOKE
Subject: THE RULE OF CHOCOLATE

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

submitted by: MPG
  ... More Classic Jokes?


 USEFUL INFORMATION
More uses for Bounce

My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow jackets away.

Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.

It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.

It also repels mice. Spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers, cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.

It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.

Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.

Eliminates static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.

Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.

Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.

Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.

Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.

Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.

Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.

Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.

Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.

Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.

Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.

Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.

Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.

Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.

Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. Keeps them smelling fresh.

  ... More Useful Information?