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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A good looking, very shapely blonde was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the obviously wealthy, handsome gentleman reading a leather-bound book. The gentleman was reclined on a blanket very near her.
"Hello, sir," she said, "I was just wondering, In addition to reading -- do you like movies?" "Yes, I do. I'm an avid movie fan. I like to see movies after I have
read the book," he responded." He continued, "I even like history and politics.I'm a
sucker for the old classics. I must admit, sometimes I catch myself attending
musicals and even the sex and violence types. Yes, I love a good movie." He
smiled, then started reading his book again.
Blonde persisted. "Do you like gardening? Do you get turned on with our beautiful native plants? Do you like flowers as much as I do?" The man stopped reading and looked up from his book and said very politely, "Yes, I do. I enjoy working with plants very much. I love to garden. Native plants I love; but, I also love the exotics -- orchids, bromeliads, ferns of all types, plants with unusual leaves, trees with beautiful shedding bark -- yes, I'm obsessed with horticulture." He smiled and returned to his reading.
Undaunted, Blonde asked, "Tell me, do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on the young woman, ripping off her bikini top and quickly removing the scant covering of her goodies. In seconds they were locked in a lover's embrace and she was being ravaged. He continued to pound her until she was breathless. Never in her life had a man made love to her like that. It was more than love, it was jungle sex in its most refined form.
As the sand started to settle, as soon as Blonde could manage to wipe the sweat from her eyes and get into a semi-upright position she half-whispered, half-panted, "My G-d, How did you know that was what I wanted? How did you know I wanted you to take me like that? How did you know I liked it fast and rough?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "I also have a question, Just how in the hell did you know my name was Katz?
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GOLF JOKE
Two golfers are at the first tee: Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!''
Golfer two: ``Great trade!!!!''
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JEWISH JOKE
A conversation with a Jewish mother
- Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
- You're going out?
- Yes,
- With whom?
- With a friend.
- I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
- I didn't leave him. He left me!
- You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
- I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
- I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
- There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
- What are you hinting at?
- Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
- You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
- My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he
left me, he probably never slept alone!
- So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
- He's not a loser.
- A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and
a parasite.
- I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
- Poor children with such a mother.
- Such as what?
- With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
- ENOUGH!
- Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
- Now you're worried about the loser?
- Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
- Good-bye, mother.
- Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
- I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
- If you never go out, how do you ever expect to meet anyone
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LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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CLASSIC JOKE
Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the
pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,
"Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their
companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with ever imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!"
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the
answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do
here is enjoy yourself."
Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your f....... bran muffins. We
could have been here 15 years ago!"
Submitted by: Bob Fields
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque buildup.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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