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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
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GOLF JOKE
GOLF SAYINGS
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4 Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: " Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even G-d can hit a 1-iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If G-d wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high- volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of
stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." Said the caddie.
submitted by: D Gasway
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JEWISH JOKE
The family managed to bring the patriarchal Zayda from Hungary and he came to live with his daughter and her family. The old man was fascinated by New York and all it had to offer.
One day, his grandson Yankel took him to the zoo in Central Park. Most of the animals were familiar to the old man.
However, they came to the cage where the laughing hyena was confined, and the old man became curious.
"Yankel, in the old country, I never heard of an animal that laughed."
Yankel noticed the keeper standing nearby and approached him.
"My grandfather recently came here from Europe. He says they don't have laughing hyenas there. Could you tell me something about him so I can, in turn, tell him about it?"
The keeper said, "Well, he eats once a day."
Yankel turned to his Zayda and, in Yiddish, translated, "Zayda, he eats once a day."
The keeper continued, "He takes a bath once a week."
"Zayda, he bathes once a week."
The old man listened intently.
The keeper added, "He mates once a year."
"Zayda, he mates once a year."
The old man shook his head up and down and said thoughtfully, "All right, he eats once a day. He bathes once a week. But if he mates only once a year, why is he laughing?"
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LAWYER JOKE
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
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CLASSIC JOKE
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....Here in California we are also paying higher, upwards of $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.
Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose , CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.
Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
Another reminder. If there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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