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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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GOLF JOKE
Golf Wisdom
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> When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
> ~Author Unknown.
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> I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
> ~Author Unknown
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> I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
> ~Author Unknown
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> They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
> ~Raymond Floyd
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> The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
> ~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
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> Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
> ~Jim Bishop
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> It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
> I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
> ~Hank Aaron
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> Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
> ~Paul Harvey
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> Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
> ~Jack Benny
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> Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
> ~Al Boliska
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> The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
> ~Billy Graham
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> Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
> ~Ben Hogan
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> Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball.
> Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
> ~Chuck Hogan
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> If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
> ~Jack Lemmon
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> It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
> ~Mark Twain
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> Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
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> ~Harry Vardon
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> Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
> ~Woodrow Wilson
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> A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
> ~Author Unknown
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> My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
> ~Jimmy DeMaret
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> May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
> ~Author Unknown
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> If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
> ~Author Unknown
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> The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
> ~George Deukmejian
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> AND FINALLY....
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> Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
> ~Author Unknown
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JEWISH JOKE
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room, with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and
worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son.
"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
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LAWYER JOKE
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
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CLASSIC JOKE
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Nutz," says his friend, "and I just joined The Elks."
Submitted by: Aileen Gordon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Subject: Microwave Warning
I was very glad to get this email from a friend, because I have been guilty of heating water in a microwave many times. You'll be glad you read it. I also suggest passing it along to friends and family.
About five days ago, my 26-year-old son decided to have a cup of instant coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the timer for but he told me he wanted to bring the water to a boil.
When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup he noted that the water was not boiling. Then instantly the water in the cup "blew up" into his face.
The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand but all the water had flown out into his face due to the buildup of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face, which may leave scarring. He may also have lost partial sight in his left eye.
While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water alone, should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something such as a wooden stir stick or a tea bag should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy.
Here is what our science teacher has to say on the matter:
"Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur any time water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new.
What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat that has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point. What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.
Please pass this on to everyone you know, it could save a lot of pain and suffering.
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