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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely hacked off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
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GOLF JOKE
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"You're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"He's 85, older than me and he doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"You're right, he doesn't play golf anymore but he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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JEWISH JOKE
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp!!!
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CLASSIC JOKE
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet
behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old coot!"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
As an Emergency Manager with the U.S. Government, I have privileged information to the current events and those events that may happen in the near future. At this time, I want to take this opportunity to give you some general advice for survival if a terrorist act hits very close to home that could potentially incapacitate you. Here's some suggestions to be prepared:
- Treat this situation as if it were a major earthquake.
- If terrorism strikes in your state or even region, cellular phone systems will go out due to the overloading of the system and the resulted crash of the network. Also your regular phones may be disrupted and the state of emergency may result in 1/3 of your region's lines being turned off for periods of time so that the system doesn't overload. This is similar to rotating blackouts, only on the phone lines. Thus, develop a plan for you
and your family members so that you can either meet or be assured they will know how to regain contact with you.
Also consider that if family members work or frequently travel to another city, roads may be blocked or unsafe to travel. Thus, arrange for those members away from the general home area to divert to a close friend's house in the city they frequent. Have them stay there until the "all clear" is given. You (and they) will be more assured of their safety. Have backup friends, too. Consider you will not be able to communicate with them for at least four to 24 hours - again, AT LEAST.
- Ensure that you frequently refuel your vehicles and that they are always full with gasoline. Those of you who frequently let your car go below 1/2 tank, that may not get you home if stuck in local traffic. The last thing you want is to run out of gas. Remember, gas stations need electricity to run and in a terrorist situation, they may be ordered to shut down - even if there is electricity available.
- ALWAYS carry cash and lower denomination dollar bills. In a situation with communications failure, no store can process credit card/ATM transactions because these require phone lines. If you frequently forget to keep cash on you, have $40 in loose bills stored in a secret spot in your car that you use the most. This way, if you get caught on the road without cash, you have that secret stash.
- Keep enough water on hand for ONE WEEK. Freshly bottled water. This is because our municipal water systems ARE at risk. One week will be sufficient for trucked water to make it in. The traditional three days is too short.
- Have your pantry's STOCKED with food for one week, too. This should be food that is very simple to make. You should also have enough packaged food for a few days that require no cooking, should the electric systems be taken out.
- It is a good idea to have a portable emergency kit in a large duffle bag containing the above items, should you (God forbid) ever need to be evacuated. This way, you can grab the (ONE) bag and go. Essential items should include medicines (for one week's supply), toilet paper, toothbrushes and paste, hand sanitizer, water/food, flashlights, portable
radios with plenty of batteries, pen and paper, whistle, rope, duct tape, blankets, general toiletries, and anything else you feel to sustain you for ONE WEEK. Believe it or not, this can all fit into one large duffle bag for a regular sized family. Your life is the value, not material possessions.
- Pets. Make sure you have the appropriate carriers for your pets and plan for extra water and food for them. It is a good idea to buy a small bag of food for them and store it with that emergency duffle bag. Also store leashes/collars, and extra water. Do NOT leave pets unattended. In emergency situations, they know something is wrong and get scared easily and may try to even run away. Be mindful of this.
- In extreme cases, the Red Cross and local overnments utilize Amateur Radio as a way to pass welfare traffic. Today's terrorist acts in NYC left Amateur Radio as the ONLY means of communications in or out of the city. The cities' 9-1-1 dispatch center was on the 12th floor of one of the towers. That went down and so did their 9-1-1 system for the whole city. If you evacuate, it is best to go to the Red Cross and have HAM radio pass welfare traffic to your loved ones across the country.
- If you are home when a situation occurs, STAY THERE. DO NOT go out and
drive around or wander. Subsequent events can immobilize you away from home and create undue worrying from your family. Doing this also hampers
emergency efforts and obstructs life saving efforts.
- STAY OFF THE PHONE. Calling everyone in the world ties up the phone system and obstructs emergency services. It is best to CALL ONE party out of state and have them contact everyone else to let them know you are okay.
I certainly hope the above tips have made you aware of how to begin to take care of yourself and prepare before an emergency. The above can be applied to any disaster (floods, quakes, etc)...It is also suggested that you research more for other items recommended to stock up on not mentioned here (like clothing).
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
