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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
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GOLF JOKE
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well", it was like this, said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball . . . . . . stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
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JEWISH JOKE
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly
agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles and says, "Here it's a local call."
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LAWYER JOKE
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Cowboy Boots
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough,they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “they're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
submitted by: Aileen Gordon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.
ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.
ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.
ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.
CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.
COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.
CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.
hmm what a claim to fame!
DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the largest city in America.
GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.
HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state. Cause they hula!
IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.
ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.
INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which get a half million letters to Santa every year.
IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.
KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.
KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.
LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.
MAINE .. It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.
MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.
MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.
MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.
MINNESOTA ... Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.
MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here. That's how the teddy bear got its name.
MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
MONTANA ... A sapphire from Montana is the Crown Jewels of England.
NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.
NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.
NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.
NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.
NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.
OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.
OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.
PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.
RHODE ISLAND .. The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.
SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.
SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.
TENNESSEE ... Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.
TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.
UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.
VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.
VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building, the Pentagon.
WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.
WASHINGTON D.C. ... Was the first planned capital in the world.
WEST VIRGINIA .. Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.
WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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