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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s
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GOLF JOKE
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the
woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and
comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and
the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little
guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the
leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did
catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three
things that I would want.
I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game
is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it,
every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's
not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
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JEWISH JOKE
One of the richest Jewish men on the East Coast of the US had to go into the hospital for a week. So he booked himself into one of the best hospitals in the whole USA. Within a couple of days he moved to a small downtown Brooklyn hospital. One of the doctors in this hospital asked what was wrong with the first hospital.
"Was the medical care not good enough?"
"No - the medical care was the best available. I couldn't complain".
"Was the nursing care OK"
"Yes - the nursing care was brilliant. I couldn't complain"
"What about the food and the wards?"
"The food was cordon bleu, fantastic, and the hospital rooms were perfect. I couldn't complain".
"So why did you leave there for here" the doctor asked.
"Here, I can complain!"
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LAWYER JOKE
A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City.
To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
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CLASSIC JOKE
Grandparents
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose, we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb jerk' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"
submitted by: Bob Gasway
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Take out a one-dollar bill, and look at it. The one-dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually material. We've all washed it without it falling apart.
A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget.
In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the
help of G-D, could do anything.
"IN G-D WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "G-D has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776.
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most heroes’ monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks; yet very few people know what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons. First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported.
This country can now stand on it’s own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation from many people".
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows.
General Washington's financial advisor and assistant was a Jewish man by the name of Hyam Salomon.
During the cold winter months at Valley Forge when American soldiers were freezing and running out of food, it was Hyam who marshaled all the Jews in America and Europe to provide money in relief aid to these stranded American troops and turned the course of history.
Without this help, Washington's Continental Army, and the fate of the American Colonies would have perished before they could have defeated the British.
If you take a one-dollar bill out of your pocket and if you look at the back at the Eagle, the stars above the Eagle's head are in the six point Star of David to honor Jews.
If you turn the Eagle upside down you will see a configuration in the likeness of a Menorah...both at the insistence of George Washington who said we should never forget the Jewish people and what they have done in the interest of America.
Kind of nice to know about.
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