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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
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GOLF JOKE
A young woman, who happened to be blonde, had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a
bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf teacher, who also happened to be blonde, saw her come into the
clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where," the blonde golf teacher asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she moaned.
The golf instructor nodded knowingly and said, "You're standing with
your legs too far apart."
Submitted by: Fred Lee
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JEWISH JOKE
RABBINICAL WISDOM
A little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on.
After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for the Sabbath
The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50.
The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition: that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: "What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?"
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands $1000 over to the Rabbi.
He then asks the Rabbi, "What kind of animal was it?"
The Rabbi says "How should I know"? and gives him $50.00.
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LAWYER JOKE
A man walks into a bar.
He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a barstool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
Subject: Moses
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent agreed with the President.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
Sorry moses says last time I talked to a Bush I wandered the desert for fourty years.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
As an Emergency Manager with the U.S. Government, I have privileged information to the current events and those events that may happen in the near future. At this time, I want to take this opportunity to give you some general advice for survival if a terrorist act hits very close to home that could potentially incapacitate you. Here's some suggestions to be prepared:
- Treat this situation as if it were a major earthquake.
- If terrorism strikes in your state or even region, cellular phone systems will go out due to the overloading of the system and the resulted crash of the network. Also your regular phones may be disrupted and the state of emergency may result in 1/3 of your region's lines being turned off for periods of time so that the system doesn't overload. This is similar to rotating blackouts, only on the phone lines. Thus, develop a plan for you
and your family members so that you can either meet or be assured they will know how to regain contact with you.
Also consider that if family members work or frequently travel to another city, roads may be blocked or unsafe to travel. Thus, arrange for those members away from the general home area to divert to a close friend's house in the city they frequent. Have them stay there until the "all clear" is given. You (and they) will be more assured of their safety. Have backup friends, too. Consider you will not be able to communicate with them for at least four to 24 hours - again, AT LEAST.
- Ensure that you frequently refuel your vehicles and that they are always full with gasoline. Those of you who frequently let your car go below 1/2 tank, that may not get you home if stuck in local traffic. The last thing you want is to run out of gas. Remember, gas stations need electricity to run and in a terrorist situation, they may be ordered to shut down - even if there is electricity available.
- ALWAYS carry cash and lower denomination dollar bills. In a situation with communications failure, no store can process credit card/ATM transactions because these require phone lines. If you frequently forget to keep cash on you, have $40 in loose bills stored in a secret spot in your car that you use the most. This way, if you get caught on the road without cash, you have that secret stash.
- Keep enough water on hand for ONE WEEK. Freshly bottled water. This is because our municipal water systems ARE at risk. One week will be sufficient for trucked water to make it in. The traditional three days is too short.
- Have your pantry's STOCKED with food for one week, too. This should be food that is very simple to make. You should also have enough packaged food for a few days that require no cooking, should the electric systems be taken out.
- It is a good idea to have a portable emergency kit in a large duffle bag containing the above items, should you (God forbid) ever need to be evacuated. This way, you can grab the (ONE) bag and go. Essential items should include medicines (for one week's supply), toilet paper, toothbrushes and paste, hand sanitizer, water/food, flashlights, portable
radios with plenty of batteries, pen and paper, whistle, rope, duct tape, blankets, general toiletries, and anything else you feel to sustain you for ONE WEEK. Believe it or not, this can all fit into one large duffle bag for a regular sized family. Your life is the value, not material possessions.
- Pets. Make sure you have the appropriate carriers for your pets and plan for extra water and food for them. It is a good idea to buy a small bag of food for them and store it with that emergency duffle bag. Also store leashes/collars, and extra water. Do NOT leave pets unattended. In emergency situations, they know something is wrong and get scared easily and may try to even run away. Be mindful of this.
- In extreme cases, the Red Cross and local overnments utilize Amateur Radio as a way to pass welfare traffic. Today's terrorist acts in NYC left Amateur Radio as the ONLY means of communications in or out of the city. The cities' 9-1-1 dispatch center was on the 12th floor of one of the towers. That went down and so did their 9-1-1 system for the whole city. If you evacuate, it is best to go to the Red Cross and have HAM radio pass welfare traffic to your loved ones across the country.
- If you are home when a situation occurs, STAY THERE. DO NOT go out and
drive around or wander. Subsequent events can immobilize you away from home and create undue worrying from your family. Doing this also hampers
emergency efforts and obstructs life saving efforts.
- STAY OFF THE PHONE. Calling everyone in the world ties up the phone system and obstructs emergency services. It is best to CALL ONE party out of state and have them contact everyone else to let them know you are okay.
I certainly hope the above tips have made you aware of how to begin to take care of yourself and prepare before an emergency. The above can be applied to any disaster (floods, quakes, etc)...It is also suggested that you research more for other items recommended to stock up on not mentioned here (like clothing).
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