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Lawyer Jokes!
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

Submitted by: Lindsay G.
A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City.

To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
Why did G-D make snakes just before lawyers?
For practice.
A lawyer in a small firm had just finished advising a client on a business matter. The fee for the advice was $100 and the client gave the lawyer a folded up $100 bill.

After the client left, the lawyer unfolded the bill and realized that the client had accidentally given him two $100 bills.

Now he was faced with a true moral dilemma: Should he share the extra $100 with his partners?

Submitted by: Matthew G.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"