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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two blondes were looking at a newspaper.
One of them notices a headline that says:
"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"
She thought for a moment.........and then whispered to her friend,
"Psst......How many is a brazilian"?
Submitted by Elmer Nance
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GOLF JOKE
My wife said to me, “Jere it’s about time you learned to play golf, that’s the game where you chase a ball all over the country, when you are too old to chase women.”
So I went to see Bob and asked him if he could teach me to play.
Bob said, “sure, you’ve got some balls, haven’t you?”
I said “sure, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.”
“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow,” Bob said, “and we’ll tee off.”
“What’s tee off?” I asked.
Bob said “it’s a golf term, and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”
“Not for me,” I said, “you can tee off there if you want to, but I will tee off behind the barn somewhere,”
“No, no,” Bob said, “A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.”
“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”
“Well,” Bob said, “you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”
I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”
“You do,” Bob said, “you are standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”
Well, right there I thought that was stretching things a little bit too far and I told him so.
Bob said, “you’ve got a bag haven’t you?”
“Of course,” I told him.
“Well,” he said “can’t you open your bag and take one out?”
“Well,” I said. “I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to.”
Bob asked me if I didn’t have a zipper on my bag, and I told him no, I’m the old fashioned type. Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well after 50 years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so!!!
He said, “you take your in both hands....” Well, right there, I knew he didn’t know what he was talking about.
Then he said, “you swing your club over your shoulder.”
“No, no, that’s not me that’s my brother you are talking about.”
He asked me, “how do you hold your club?”
Before I thought, I said, “with 2 fingers!”
Bob said that wasn’t right, and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn’t catch me there, because I didn’t put four years in the Navy for nothing!
Bob said, “ you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.”
And I said, “I can well imagine.”
Then Bob said, “and when you are on the green.....”
“What’s the green?” I asked.
“That’s where the hole is,” Bob said.
“Sure you aren’t color blind?” I asked.
“No, then you take your putter....”
“What’s your putter?” I asked.
“That’s the smallest club made,” he said.
That’s what I’ve got, a putter!!!
“And with it, “ Bob said, “you put your ball in the hole.”
I corrected him, “you mean the putter?”
Bob said, “The ball, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter too.”
Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for the ball and the putter too!
Then Bob said, “after you finish the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.”
He wasn’t talking to me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.
“You mean,” he said, “You can’t make eighteen holes in one day?”
“Hell no! It takes me eighteen days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I’m on the eighteenth hole?”
Then Bob said, “The flag will go up.”
THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!!!!!
Submitted by: E. Price M.D.
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JEWISH JOKE
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has
decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to G-d for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father. "
G-d said, 'Funny you should ask...
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LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Submitted by: Judy Herbst
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Trivia
~Bank robber, John Dillinger, played professional baseball.
~ If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
~The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
~If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.
~The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.
~ Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
~ Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
~Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
~An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
~Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
~The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie 'Barbarella'.
~Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
~Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
~The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
~Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
~Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
~The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
~The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
~Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.
~111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
~Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
~The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert, the cop, and Ernie, the taxi driver, in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
~It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
~Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
~Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
~In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
~Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
~Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
~Goethe (never heard of him) couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
~If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
~The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
~Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
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