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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz?
No, but I have been swung around by the tits.
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GOLF JOKE
Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid quick back swing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please! while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
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JEWISH JOKE
Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in
Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with
marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will
just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones
on which alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good
paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
13. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it's loud enough for everyone
else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't
afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a
good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you
know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple,
G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida
is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after,
how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a
big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in
the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's life
when he must stand up and tell his mother
that he is an Adult. This usually happens
at around age 45.
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CLASSIC JOKE
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
bemisquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and
blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Submitted by: Lindsay G.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Facts
Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933. It was built to last 2,000 years.
The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years.
The federal government owns 624 million acres, or 27 percent of the country's land.
An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel.
The first e-mail was sent over the Internet in 1972.
Grant Wood's famous painting of an old Indiana couple posing in front of their farmhouse is considered the definitive portrait of the Midwestern farmer. In actuality, the man and women aren't really a couple nor are they farmers. Also, the "farmhouse" in the picture was once used as a bordello.
A cubic mile of ordinary fog contains less than a gallon of water.
The shelf life of vitamins is six or more years if they're protected from heat, moisture, and light.
The distinctive smell that you experience upon opening a box of crayons
comes from stearic acid, which is the formal name for processed beef fat.
The average house wife walks 10 miles a day around the house doing her chores. In addition, she walks nearly 4 miles and spends 25 hours a year making beds.
Ian Fleming, creator of the JAMES BOND adventure novels also wrote CHITTY-CHITTY BANG BANG.
The site of Mount Everest is at about the same latitude as Tampa, FL.
Everest's extreme cold is due to its altitude, not its latitude.
If a surgeon in Ancient Egypt lost a patient while performing an operation,
his hands were cut off.
Most of the world's people must walk at least 3 hours to fetch water
A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.
On the ocean, a nautical mile measures 6,080 feet.
A land or statute mile is 5,280 feet.
The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth.
More women than men have earned bachelor's degrees every year since 1982.
Ninety-nine percent of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct. Each day, up to 150 species of life become extinct.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
The Food and Drug Administration stipulates that all fish to be eaten raw
(with the exception of tuna) must be frozen first, in order to kill parasites.
The average American eats 5 gallons of frozen desserts a year.
If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
In 1060, a coin was minted in England shaped like a clover. The user could break off any of the four leaves and use them as separate pieces of currency.
On average, the Statue of Liberty's fingernails weigh 100 lbs apiece.
Hoover Dam, on the border between Nevada and Arizona, contains 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete, enough to pave a two-lane highway from San Francisco, California, to New York City, New York, a distance of 2,930 miles.
Your heart rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
