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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
I've had enough of this...
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door Neighbor's dog.It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She Goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is Still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it .
submitted by: Elmer Nance
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GOLF JOKE
- Drives long, and straight, and true happen only on doglegged fairways.
- Your best swings are your practice swings.
- Golfers best friends are mulligans.
- Your longest drives are on the shortest holes.
- Golf balls are considered to be part of the natural habitat of water hazards.
- Alligators and other beasts can be found in water hazards -- even in Duluth, Minn. in January
- New golf balls go deeper into the woods than old golf balls.
- Every golf course should have a vodka fountain on the roughest holes.
- When a golfer has done well on a hole, and is pleased with himself, the next three holes will be catastrophic.
- When you go to the first tee feeling confident -- go home.
- On the golf course, new golf clubs never work.
- A golfer only sinks long putts when nobody is looking.
- When people are looking, making short putts is impossible.
- The farther you are over par, the harder the putts, no matter how short.
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JEWISH JOKE
RABBINICAL WISDOM
A little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on.
After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for the Sabbath
The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50.
The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition: that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: "What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?"
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands $1000 over to the Rabbi.
He then asks the Rabbi, "What kind of animal was it?"
The Rabbi says "How should I know"? and gives him $50.00.
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LAWYER JOKE
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
Submitted by: Lindsay G.
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CLASSIC JOKE
Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again.
Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Facts
Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933. It was built to last 2,000 years.
The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years.
The federal government owns 624 million acres, or 27 percent of the country's land.
An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel.
The first e-mail was sent over the Internet in 1972.
Grant Wood's famous painting of an old Indiana couple posing in front of their farmhouse is considered the definitive portrait of the Midwestern farmer. In actuality, the man and women aren't really a couple nor are they farmers. Also, the "farmhouse" in the picture was once used as a bordello.
A cubic mile of ordinary fog contains less than a gallon of water.
The shelf life of vitamins is six or more years if they're protected from heat, moisture, and light.
The distinctive smell that you experience upon opening a box of crayons
comes from stearic acid, which is the formal name for processed beef fat.
The average house wife walks 10 miles a day around the house doing her chores. In addition, she walks nearly 4 miles and spends 25 hours a year making beds.
Ian Fleming, creator of the JAMES BOND adventure novels also wrote CHITTY-CHITTY BANG BANG.
The site of Mount Everest is at about the same latitude as Tampa, FL.
Everest's extreme cold is due to its altitude, not its latitude.
If a surgeon in Ancient Egypt lost a patient while performing an operation,
his hands were cut off.
Most of the world's people must walk at least 3 hours to fetch water
A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.
On the ocean, a nautical mile measures 6,080 feet.
A land or statute mile is 5,280 feet.
The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth.
More women than men have earned bachelor's degrees every year since 1982.
Ninety-nine percent of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct. Each day, up to 150 species of life become extinct.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
The Food and Drug Administration stipulates that all fish to be eaten raw
(with the exception of tuna) must be frozen first, in order to kill parasites.
The average American eats 5 gallons of frozen desserts a year.
If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
In 1060, a coin was minted in England shaped like a clover. The user could break off any of the four leaves and use them as separate pieces of currency.
On average, the Statue of Liberty's fingernails weigh 100 lbs apiece.
Hoover Dam, on the border between Nevada and Arizona, contains 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete, enough to pave a two-lane highway from San Francisco, California, to New York City, New York, a distance of 2,930 miles.
Your heart rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn.
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