Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"You will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"I am going to have puppies", said the blonde.
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my Ball Retriever REGRIPPED !"
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in
Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with
marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will
just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones
on which alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good
paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
13. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it's loud enough for everyone
else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't
afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a
good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you
know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple,
G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida
is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after,
how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a
big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in
the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's life
when he must stand up and tell his mother
that he is an Adult. This usually happens
at around age 45.
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
bemisquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and
blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Submitted by: Lindsay G.
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK ALONE
Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're driving home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home; unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.
What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course neglected to tell you how to perform it on yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article seemed to be in order.
Without help, the person whose heart stops beating properly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough.
The cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. And a cough must be repeated about every 2 seconds without let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON ...
Submitted by Dr. Bob F.
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
