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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies:
"But, madam, computers do not have curtains"!!!....
And the blonde said:
"Helloooo.... I've got Windows"!!!!!
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GOLF JOKE
- Drives long, and straight, and true happen only on doglegged fairways.
- Your best swings are your practice swings.
- Golfers best friends are mulligans.
- Your longest drives are on the shortest holes.
- Golf balls are considered to be part of the natural habitat of water hazards.
- Alligators and other beasts can be found in water hazards -- even in Duluth, Minn. in January
- New golf balls go deeper into the woods than old golf balls.
- Every golf course should have a vodka fountain on the roughest holes.
- When a golfer has done well on a hole, and is pleased with himself, the next three holes will be catastrophic.
- When you go to the first tee feeling confident -- go home.
- On the golf course, new golf clubs never work.
- A golfer only sinks long putts when nobody is looking.
- When people are looking, making short putts is impossible.
- The farther you are over par, the harder the putts, no matter how short.
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JEWISH JOKE
A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."
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CLASSIC JOKE
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Facts
Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933. It was built to last 2,000 years.
The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years.
The federal government owns 624 million acres, or 27 percent of the country's land.
An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel.
The first e-mail was sent over the Internet in 1972.
Grant Wood's famous painting of an old Indiana couple posing in front of their farmhouse is considered the definitive portrait of the Midwestern farmer. In actuality, the man and women aren't really a couple nor are they farmers. Also, the "farmhouse" in the picture was once used as a bordello.
A cubic mile of ordinary fog contains less than a gallon of water.
The shelf life of vitamins is six or more years if they're protected from heat, moisture, and light.
The distinctive smell that you experience upon opening a box of crayons
comes from stearic acid, which is the formal name for processed beef fat.
The average house wife walks 10 miles a day around the house doing her chores. In addition, she walks nearly 4 miles and spends 25 hours a year making beds.
Ian Fleming, creator of the JAMES BOND adventure novels also wrote CHITTY-CHITTY BANG BANG.
The site of Mount Everest is at about the same latitude as Tampa, FL.
Everest's extreme cold is due to its altitude, not its latitude.
If a surgeon in Ancient Egypt lost a patient while performing an operation,
his hands were cut off.
Most of the world's people must walk at least 3 hours to fetch water
A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.
On the ocean, a nautical mile measures 6,080 feet.
A land or statute mile is 5,280 feet.
The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth.
More women than men have earned bachelor's degrees every year since 1982.
Ninety-nine percent of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct. Each day, up to 150 species of life become extinct.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
The Food and Drug Administration stipulates that all fish to be eaten raw
(with the exception of tuna) must be frozen first, in order to kill parasites.
The average American eats 5 gallons of frozen desserts a year.
If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
In 1060, a coin was minted in England shaped like a clover. The user could break off any of the four leaves and use them as separate pieces of currency.
On average, the Statue of Liberty's fingernails weigh 100 lbs apiece.
Hoover Dam, on the border between Nevada and Arizona, contains 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete, enough to pave a two-lane highway from San Francisco, California, to New York City, New York, a distance of 2,930 miles.
Your heart rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
