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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the
San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them
on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into
the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was shocked what he saw! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he asked, "I gave you $100 to take these
chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money leftover---so now we're going to Sea World".
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GOLF JOKE
Four major executives from various countries were playing golf together. On the second tee they heard a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares", the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. I'm such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me anytime, Therefore I carry a cell phone with me everywhere I go the Canadian Executive says.
On the next tee, they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb in his ear, and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular phone.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stand up tall and says "O.K. sell the company now. Danka. He losens up and tells the others "i"m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.
At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. They find the Japanese guy in the bushes with his pants around his ankles and squatting as if to take a dump.
"Oh we are very sorry the American says, we will leave you alone,"
That's O.K. the Japanese executive says, "I'm just waiting for a FAX."
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JEWISH JOKE
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them twice.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
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LAWYER JOKE
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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CLASSIC JOKE
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Dear L*rd, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, L*rd, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Submitted by: Leslie Granowitz
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Subject: Mirror or two way glass?????
Mirror or two way glass?????
How can you tell when you are in a room, restroom, motel etc. with a mirror or a 2-way glass?
Here's how:
I thought it was quite interesting! And I know in about 30 seconds you're going do what I did and find the nearest mirror....
Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or not?
This is not to scare you, but to make you aware. A policewoman, who travels all over the U.S. and gives seminars and techniques for businesswomen, passed this on.
When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror (i.e., they can see you, but you can't see them)? There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female changing rooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by just looking at it.
So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type of mirror we are looking at? Just conduct this simple test:
Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror.
However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, FOR IT IS a 2-WAY MIRROR!
"No Space, Leave the Place"
So remember, every time you see a Mirror, do the "fingernail test." It doesn't cost you anything.
Remember: "No Space, Leave the Place"
Ladies: Share this with your girlfriends, sisters, daughters, etc.
Men: Share this with your wives, daughters, daughters-in-law, mothers, girlfriends and/or friends.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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