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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
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GOLF JOKE
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
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JEWISH JOKE
Subject: Oy ~Vay
Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, 'I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for de night.'
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, 'I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is completely booked.'
Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
'Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. 'I can take his room.'
'I'm sorry, madam,' says the clerk, 'but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews.'
'Jews?' exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. 'So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic.'
In obvious disbelief, the clerk asks her, 'If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of G-d?'
'Dot's easy,' says Mrs. Rosenberg, 'Jesus Christ.'
The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, 'Who was Jesus' mother and father?'
'Mary and Joseph,' replies Mrs. Rosenberg , testily.
Then the clerk asks, 'And where was Jesus born?'
'In a manger in a barn,' answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.
'And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?' asks the clerk.
''Cause a shmock like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!'
Submitted by: Dave Gasway
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LAWYER JOKE
A Mexican bandito was famous for crossing the Rio Grande into Texas, robbing banks, and returning to Mexico where American sheriffs couldn’t get him. This one Texas ranger devotes himself to finding the bandito, and finally finds him in his favorite cantina in a small Mexican village.
He sneaks up behind him, puts his trusty six-shooter to his head, and says, "Now tell me where you've hidden all your loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandito couldn't speak English and the ranger didn't know any Spanish.
Fortunately there was a bilingual lawyer who offered his services to the two gentlemen and translated the ranger's question to the bandito.
The frightened Mexican answered in Spanish, "All my loot is buried under the cactus behind this cantina."
"What did he say?" asked the ranger.
The lawyer responded, "He said, 'You don't have the balls to shoot me you little chicken.'"
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CLASSIC JOKE
Just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life.
Part of me has snapped And the rest of me is draggin.....
submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
DID YOU KNOW?
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to Pick the little "stringy things" off of it. That's how the primates do it.
Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store.
If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.
It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.
Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef.
It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of Spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints
In double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply
Chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 For 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm!
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in
A microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food
Moist and help it reheat faster.
Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers,
Put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and for-
Get about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... At DA! ... Static is gone.
Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.
Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such
As peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of Your car . When the window s fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside,
Just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily
Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and Leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair.
Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home," can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material ... I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. Well .. the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit.
You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free ... that nice fragrance too. You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box . well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long! How about that!?!
Learn something new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that.
So, I thought I'd share!
Note: I went to my dryer and tested my screen by running water on it. The water ran through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water and a nylon brush and I had it done in 30 seconds. Then when
I rinsed it ... the water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was talking about!
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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