Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joel was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Joel was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joel had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day
of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says.
"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son
and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment):n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*head): n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up - but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks):n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope):n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer):n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da):n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee):n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz): v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair dresser (hare dres*er): n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware store (hard*war stor): n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth): n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "focus....breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik): n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park): v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens): n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n.
Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae): n.
A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
Subject: Car Theft and your Vin #
As sad as it is this has already happened, thought you might like to know about this.
It seems that car thieves have found another way to steal your car or truck without any effort at all. The car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN number from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN number. The car dealer's parts dept will make a duplicate key from the VIN number and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. He doesn't have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is to walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local chop shop with your vehicle.
You don't believe it?
It IS that easy.
To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some tape – electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across the VIN label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN number, but you can cover it so it can't be viewed through the windshield by a car thief.
I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other car thief steals
another car or truck.
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
