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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Subject: Blonde Diet
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. "The next
time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, thats amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping!"
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GOLF JOKE
Golf Wisdom
>
> When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
> ~Author Unknown.
>
> I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
> ~Raymond Floyd
>
> The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
> ~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
>
> Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
> ~Jim Bishop
>
> It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
> I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
> ~Hank Aaron
>
> Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
> ~Paul Harvey
>
> Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
> ~Jack Benny
>
> Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
> ~Al Boliska
>
> The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
> ~Billy Graham
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> Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
> ~Ben Hogan
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> Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball.
> Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
> ~Chuck Hogan
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> If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
> ~Jack Lemmon
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> It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
> ~Mark Twain
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> Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
>
> ~Harry Vardon
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> Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
> ~Woodrow Wilson
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> A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
> ~Author Unknown
>
> My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
> ~Jimmy DeMaret
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> May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
> ~George Deukmejian
>
> AND FINALLY....
>
> Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
> ~Author Unknown
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JEWISH JOKE
A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day
of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says.
"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son
and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
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LAWYER JOKE
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
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CLASSIC JOKE
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Gift Cards
Well the crooks have found a way to rob you of your gift card balance.
If you buy Gift Cards from a display rack that has various store cards you may become a victim of theft. Crooks are now jotting down the card numbers in the store and then wait a few days and call to see how much of a balance they have on the card. Once they find the card is "activated", they go online and start shopping.
You may want to purchase your card from a customer service person, where they do not have the Gift Cards viewable to the public.
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