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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz?
No, but I have been swung around by the tits.
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GOLF JOKE
Wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."
"What are you going to do?"
"I’ll miss her."
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JEWISH JOKE
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, being that you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ,”
To which Hymie replied, "I know, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
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LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
“My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.....-
G-d, I miss him!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
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CLASSIC JOKE
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old coot!"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Must Read for All Dog Owners!!!!
If you have a dog... PLEASE read this and send it on. If you don't have a dog, please pass along to friends who do.
Written by: Laurinda Morris, DVM
Danville Veterinary Clinic
Danville , Ohio
This week I had the first case in history of raisin toxicity ever seen at MedVet. My patient was a 56-pound, 5 yr old male neutered lab mix that ate half a canister of raisins sometime between 7:30 AM and 4:30 PM on Tuesday. He started with vomiting, diarrhea and shaking about 1AM on Wednesday but the owner didn't call my emergency service until 7AM .
I had heard somewhere about raisins AND grapes causing acute Renal failure but hadn't seen any formal paper on the subject. We had her bring the dog in immediately. In the meantime, I called the ER service at MedVet, and the doctor there was like me - had heard something about it, but.... Anyway, we contacted the ASPCA National Animal Poison Control Center and they said to give I V fluids at 1 1/2 times maintenance and watch the
kidney values for the next 48-72 hours.
The dog's BUN (blood urea nitrogen level) was already at 32
(normal less than 27) and creatinine! over 5 ( 1.9 is the high end of
normal). Both are monitors of kidney function in the bloodstream. We placed
an IV catheter and started the fluids. Rechecked the renal values at 5 PM
and the BUN was over 40 and creatinine over 7 with no urine production after
a liter of fluids. At the point I felt the dog was in acute renal failure
and sent him on to MedVet for a urinary catheter to monitor urine output
overnight as well as overnight care.
He started vomiting again overnight at MedVet and his renal
values have continued to increase daily. He produced urine when given lasix as a diuretic. He was on 3 different anti-vomiting medications and they still couldn't control his vomiting. Today his urine output decreased again, his BUN was over 120, his creatinine was at 10, his phosphorus was very elevated and his blood pressure, which had been staying around 150, skyrocketed to 220.. He continued to vomit and the owners elected to euthanize.
This is a very sad case - great dog, great owners who had no
idea raisins could be a toxin. Please alert everyone you know who has a dog
of this very serious risk. Poison control said as few as 7 raisins or grapes could be toxic. Many people I know give their dogs grapes or raisins as treats including our ex-handler's. Any exposure should give rise to
immediate concern. Onions, chocolate, cocoa and macadamia nuts can be fatal,
too.
Even if you don't have a dog, you might have friends who do.
This is worth passing on to them.
Confirmation from Snopes about the above...
http://www.snopes.com/critters/crusader/raisins.asp
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Submitted by: Renee Andert
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