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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely hacked off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
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GOLF JOKE
A young woman, who happened to be blonde, had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a
bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf teacher, who also happened to be blonde, saw her come into the
clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where," the blonde golf teacher asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she moaned.
The golf instructor nodded knowingly and said, "You're standing with
your legs too far apart."
Submitted by: Fred Lee
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JEWISH JOKE
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 gates before getting to the finish line.
Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds,
The Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the Israeli's turn.
The crowd waited, and waited...and waited..........SIX MINUTES!!!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived.
The exhausted Israeli replied: "Which of those wise guys put a mezuzah on each gate?"
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LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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CLASSIC JOKE
All I Need to Know in Life ~ I learned from my Horse
1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk
when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
9. Eat plenty of roughage.
10. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
11. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
12. In times of crisis, take a poop.
13. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
14. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
15. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
16. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Take out a one-dollar bill, and look at it. The one-dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually material. We've all washed it without it falling apart.
A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget.
In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the
help of G-D, could do anything.
"IN G-D WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "G-D has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776.
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most heroes’ monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks; yet very few people know what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons. First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported.
This country can now stand on it’s own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation from many people".
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows.
General Washington's financial advisor and assistant was a Jewish man by the name of Hyam Salomon.
During the cold winter months at Valley Forge when American soldiers were freezing and running out of food, it was Hyam who marshaled all the Jews in America and Europe to provide money in relief aid to these stranded American troops and turned the course of history.
Without this help, Washington's Continental Army, and the fate of the American Colonies would have perished before they could have defeated the British.
If you take a one-dollar bill out of your pocket and if you look at the back at the Eagle, the stars above the Eagle's head are in the six point Star of David to honor Jews.
If you turn the Eagle upside down you will see a configuration in the likeness of a Menorah...both at the insistence of George Washington who said we should never forget the Jewish people and what they have done in the interest of America.
Kind of nice to know about.
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