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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Blonde: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
Brunette: "A little. What's wrong?"
Blonde: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
Brunette: "How did you load the sheet?"
Blonde: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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GOLF JOKE
Avid golfer
Joe was teeing off the first hole, from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path.
Unable to stop his down swing, he nailed the ball, hitting Mary in the right temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Joe received a call from the coroner, concerning her autopsy.
“Joe, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple; Is that correct?”
“Yes Sir,” Joe replied, “that’s correct.”
"Well Joe, I also found a large bruise on Mary’s right hip. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes Sir," Joe said, "That would have been my mulligan."
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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JEWISH JOKE
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. Only one person is allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver. Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said,
"Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva."
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LAWYER JOKE
Lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."
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CLASSIC JOKE
1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of
the members knows how to play one.
2. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn
that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, 'I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women
stand up.
4. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season
is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of.'
6. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the choir is known as the
'OK Chorale.'
7. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.
8. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people think 'rapture' is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized 'Wheeling ' washtub.
10. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the choir robes were donated
by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.
12. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are
called to service by a duck call.
13. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's
Farm 'Tickled Pink.'
15. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... 'Thou shall not covet' applies
to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, “'Y'all come back now, ya heah. G-d Bless and don't Y'all
fergit ta say yer prayers!!!”
Submitted by: Jim Brown
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Do not turn on A/C immediately as soon as you enter the car
The given article is based on true facts!
Please do not turn on A/C immediately as soon as you enter the car. Open the windows after you enter your car and turn ON the air-conditioning after a couple of minutes.
According to a research done, the car dashboard, sofa, air freshener emits Benzene, a Cancer causing toxin (carcinogen - take note of the heated plastic Smell in your car).
In addition to causing cancer, it poisons your bones, causes anemia, and reduces white blood cells.
Prolonged exposure will cause Leukemia,increasing the risk of cancer. May also cause miscarriage.
Acceptable Benzene level indoors is 50 mg per sq. ft.. A car parked indoors with the windows closed will contain 400-800 mg of Benzene. If parked outdoors under the sun at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the Benzene level goes up to 2000-4000 mg, 40 times the acceptable level... & the people inside the car will inevitably inhale an excess amount of the toxins.
It is recommended that you open the windows and door to give time for the interior to air out before you enter.
Benzene is a toxin that affects your kidney and liver, and is very difficult for your body to expel this toxic stuff.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/benzene.asp
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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