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Lawyer Jokes!
After completing law school and passing the bar, a man decides to open up a
private practice with one of his law school buddies as partner.

On their first day, they set up shop, and around lunchtime, the man's buddy
goes out to get them some sandwiches.

Two minutes later, a woman walks in -- their first client!

She asks him to draw up some papers and review a couple of very simple

"That'll be $100," the man replies.

She complies, and having just gone to the bank, hands over a brand new,
crisp $100 bill.

The woman decides to leave for the next hour, leaving the man to resume his

The man, relishing in his first payment as a lawyer, sits back in his brand
new, leather chair and holds the brand new, crisp $100 bill up to the light
with admiration and pride.

He sniffs the bill and starts to rub it a bit when suddenly, he discovers
that he was mistakenly given TWO $100 bills!!!

And thus, he was confronted with his first ethical dilemma as a lawyer.

Should he tell his partner?

Submitted by Renee Andert
There is a truck driver who whenever he sees a lawyer walking down the street, he always swerves to hit him.

One day he sees a priest on the side of the road looking for a ride and so the truck driver picks him up. While they were driving, the driver sees a lawyer, and swerves to hit him. But then he remembered he had a priest in the truck, so he swerved back on the road, but he heard a loud 'thump' anyway. So the driver turns to the priest and says "Please forgive me." and the priest said, "You didn't hit the lawyer, but that's OK, I got him with the door."
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bathroom the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"

Submitted by: Harold Greene & Alicia Risdon
A man walks into a bar.

He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a barstool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...So if I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."

"So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile.

"That's a banker," came the reply.

"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked.

The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
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