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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).|
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
... More Blonde Jokes?
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a blonde co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. |
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"
... More Golf Jokes?
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest:|
Man: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've taken the L*rd's name
Priest: Continue my son, what was the circumstance that led you to this
Man: I went golfing this afternoon, and I hit one of the worst slices
off the 13th and landed in a field of tall grass.
Priest: I understand my son. I play a little golf myself and find it
Man: But that shot was not the problem. You see, I hit it with a nine
iron, out of the grass and into the trees.
Priest: I see, and this is when you cursed.
Man: No. I managed to hit out of the trees and onto the green in one
stroke, but it rolled off the green and into the sand trap.
Priest: Ah, and that's when you took the L*rd's name in vain.
Man: No, father. With my sand wedge, I was able to get out of the trap
in one stroke leaving the ball 4 inches from the cup.
Priest: Jesus H Christ, don't tell me you missed a 4 inch fricking putt?
... More Jewish Jokes?
A British Jew is waiting on line to be knighted by the Queen.|
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his
turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows
in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, Why is this knight different from all other knights?
... More Lawyer Jokes?
There is a truck driver who whenever he sees a lawyer walking down the street, he always swerves to hit him. |
One day he sees a priest on the side of the road looking for a ride and so the truck driver picks him up. While they were driving, the driver sees a lawyer, and swerves to hit him. But then he remembered he had a priest in the truck, so he swerved back on the road, but he heard a loud 'thump' anyway. So the driver turns to the priest and says "Please forgive me." and the priest said, "You didn't hit the lawyer, but that's OK, I got him with the door."
... More Classic Jokes?
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.|
The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."
... More Useful Information?
~Bank robber, John Dillinger, played professional baseball.
~ If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
~The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
~If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.
~The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.
~ Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
~ Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
~Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
~An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
~Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
~The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie 'Barbarella'.
~Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
~Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
~The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
~Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
~Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
~The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
~The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
~Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.
~111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
~Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
~The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert, the cop, and Ernie, the taxi driver, in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
~It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
~Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
~Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
~In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
~Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
~Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
~Goethe (never heard of him) couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
~If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
~The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
~Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.