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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Jay and his blonde wife live in Buffalo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
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GOLF JOKE
Subject: Changes in the rule book of golf
2003 Golf Rule Book Changes
Rule 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule 4. If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6. There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds" If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology not a penalty.
Rule 7. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule 8. Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Senior Golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
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JEWISH JOKE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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LAWYER JOKE
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."
"So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile.
"That's a banker," came the reply.
"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked.
The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."
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CLASSIC JOKE
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'G-d made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
DOGS TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Regular separation from you will be painful and can even cause depression. Think before you buy me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want from me don't be impatient, short-tempered or irritable.
3. Place your trust in me and I will always trust you back, respect is earned not given as some sort of inalienable right.
4. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. I am not capable of understanding why I am being locked up. I only know I have been rejected. You have your work, entertainment and friends. I only have you.
5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your tone. "You only have to look at my tail" to know that.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget, if that treatment is unjust or bad, it may spoil the special bond between us.
7. Please do not hit me. I cannot hit back, but I can bite and scratch and I don't ever want to feel the need to do that.
8. Before you tell me off me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be wrong with me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food or I've been out in the sun too long, maybe my heart is getting old and weak, or maybe I'm just dog-tired.
9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old and will also want care, love, and affection.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence". Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, Irrespective of what you do I will always love you.
submitted by: Bea Rhea
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