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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- G-d?"
The voice from above replies, "No, I own the Ice-Rink!"
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GOLF JOKE
Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid quick back swing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please! while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
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JEWISH JOKE
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'"
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CLASSIC JOKE
You Know You're A Redneck When...
You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take
them out to see what it is.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
This might be a lifesaver if we can remember the three questions!
IS IT A STROKE?
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, this lack of awareness can spell disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
Ask the individual to smile.
Ask him or her to raise both arms.
Ask the person to speak a simple sentence.
If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
