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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Blonde: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
Brunette: "A little. What's wrong?"
Blonde: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
Brunette: "How did you load the sheet?"
Blonde: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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GOLF JOKE
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?" The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said `only if it's raining"
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JEWISH JOKE
A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand.
"How old are you?", asked the District Attorney.
"I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one."
"What was that?"
"I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one." the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the question or be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I ask?" and turned towards the old man,
"Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one"
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LAWYER JOKE
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...So if I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some
joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's
going to get a drink from the river. At the river bank, the lizard is so
stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and
swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains
to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his
new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the
jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He
looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "WOW, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
As an Emergency Manager with the U.S. Government, I have privileged information to the current events and those events that may happen in the near future. At this time, I want to take this opportunity to give you some general advice for survival if a terrorist act hits very close to home that could potentially incapacitate you. Here's some suggestions to be prepared:
- Treat this situation as if it were a major earthquake.
- If terrorism strikes in your state or even region, cellular phone systems will go out due to the overloading of the system and the resulted crash of the network. Also your regular phones may be disrupted and the state of emergency may result in 1/3 of your region's lines being turned off for periods of time so that the system doesn't overload. This is similar to rotating blackouts, only on the phone lines. Thus, develop a plan for you
and your family members so that you can either meet or be assured they will know how to regain contact with you.
Also consider that if family members work or frequently travel to another city, roads may be blocked or unsafe to travel. Thus, arrange for those members away from the general home area to divert to a close friend's house in the city they frequent. Have them stay there until the "all clear" is given. You (and they) will be more assured of their safety. Have backup friends, too. Consider you will not be able to communicate with them for at least four to 24 hours - again, AT LEAST.
- Ensure that you frequently refuel your vehicles and that they are always full with gasoline. Those of you who frequently let your car go below 1/2 tank, that may not get you home if stuck in local traffic. The last thing you want is to run out of gas. Remember, gas stations need electricity to run and in a terrorist situation, they may be ordered to shut down - even if there is electricity available.
- ALWAYS carry cash and lower denomination dollar bills. In a situation with communications failure, no store can process credit card/ATM transactions because these require phone lines. If you frequently forget to keep cash on you, have $40 in loose bills stored in a secret spot in your car that you use the most. This way, if you get caught on the road without cash, you have that secret stash.
- Keep enough water on hand for ONE WEEK. Freshly bottled water. This is because our municipal water systems ARE at risk. One week will be sufficient for trucked water to make it in. The traditional three days is too short.
- Have your pantry's STOCKED with food for one week, too. This should be food that is very simple to make. You should also have enough packaged food for a few days that require no cooking, should the electric systems be taken out.
- It is a good idea to have a portable emergency kit in a large duffle bag containing the above items, should you (God forbid) ever need to be evacuated. This way, you can grab the (ONE) bag and go. Essential items should include medicines (for one week's supply), toilet paper, toothbrushes and paste, hand sanitizer, water/food, flashlights, portable
radios with plenty of batteries, pen and paper, whistle, rope, duct tape, blankets, general toiletries, and anything else you feel to sustain you for ONE WEEK. Believe it or not, this can all fit into one large duffle bag for a regular sized family. Your life is the value, not material possessions.
- Pets. Make sure you have the appropriate carriers for your pets and plan for extra water and food for them. It is a good idea to buy a small bag of food for them and store it with that emergency duffle bag. Also store leashes/collars, and extra water. Do NOT leave pets unattended. In emergency situations, they know something is wrong and get scared easily and may try to even run away. Be mindful of this.
- In extreme cases, the Red Cross and local overnments utilize Amateur Radio as a way to pass welfare traffic. Today's terrorist acts in NYC left Amateur Radio as the ONLY means of communications in or out of the city. The cities' 9-1-1 dispatch center was on the 12th floor of one of the towers. That went down and so did their 9-1-1 system for the whole city. If you evacuate, it is best to go to the Red Cross and have HAM radio pass welfare traffic to your loved ones across the country.
- If you are home when a situation occurs, STAY THERE. DO NOT go out and
drive around or wander. Subsequent events can immobilize you away from home and create undue worrying from your family. Doing this also hampers
emergency efforts and obstructs life saving efforts.
- STAY OFF THE PHONE. Calling everyone in the world ties up the phone system and obstructs emergency services. It is best to CALL ONE party out of state and have them contact everyone else to let them know you are okay.
I certainly hope the above tips have made you aware of how to begin to take care of yourself and prepare before an emergency. The above can be applied to any disaster (floods, quakes, etc)...It is also suggested that you research more for other items recommended to stock up on not mentioned here (like clothing).
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