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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
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GOLF JOKE
Golf Wisdom
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> When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
> ~Author Unknown.
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> I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
> ~Author Unknown
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> I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
> ~Author Unknown
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> They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
> ~Raymond Floyd
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> The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
> ~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
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> Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
> ~Jim Bishop
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> It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
> I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
> ~Hank Aaron
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> Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
> ~Paul Harvey
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> Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
> ~Jack Benny
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> Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
> ~Al Boliska
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> The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
> ~Billy Graham
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> Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
> ~Ben Hogan
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> Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball.
> Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
> ~Chuck Hogan
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> If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
> ~Jack Lemmon
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> It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
> ~Mark Twain
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> Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
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> ~Harry Vardon
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> Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
> ~Woodrow Wilson
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> A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
> ~Author Unknown
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> My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
> ~Jimmy DeMaret
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> May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
> ~Author Unknown
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> If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
> ~Author Unknown
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> The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
> ~George Deukmejian
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> AND FINALLY....
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> Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
> ~Author Unknown
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JEWISH JOKE
Jewish View on When Life Begins
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.
In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
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LAWYER JOKE
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."
"So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile.
"That's a banker," came the reply.
"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked.
The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."
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CLASSIC JOKE
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Nutz," says his friend, "and I just joined The Elks."
Submitted by: Aileen Gordon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
(Not a Joke) WD-40 uses!
A friend sent this to me, and when I read the "shower door" part I tried it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. Mine is plastic, not glass and it's a miracle! Then I tried my stove top.... Voila! it's now shinier than it's ever been. I'm amazed. (Read all the way down.)
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. It's name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest, as they say, is history.
It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are some of the uses:
Protects silver from tarnishing
Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
Keeps flies off cows
Restores and cleans chalkboards
Removes lipstick stains
Loosens stubborn zippers
Untangles jewelry chains
Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
Removes tomato stains from clothing
Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
Keeps scissors working smoothly
Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy
handling
Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running
smoothly
Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
Removes splattered grease on stove
Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
Lubricates prosthetic limbs
Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
Removes all traces of duct tape
I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain.
One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts fish.
WD-40 has been designated the "official multipurpose problem-solver of
NASCAR," a ringing endorsement if there ever was one. Can WD-40 can
solve the Jeff Gordon problem?
In celebration of their 50th year, the company conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of it's customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is a WD-40 Fan Club).
They compiled the information to identify the favorite use in each of the 50 states. Naturally I was curious about Georgia and Alabama and found the favorite use in both states was that it "penetrates stuck bolts, lug nuts, and hose ends." Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
California's favorite use was penetrating the bolts on the Golden Gate Bridge.
Let me close with one final, wonderful use--the favorite use in the state of New York--WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
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