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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterise -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small table
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
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GOLF JOKE
Supposedly, this is posted at a golf club in Scotland
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down!
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you!
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please, while others are preparing.
10. Don’t take extra strokes!
11. Well done, now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off!
Submitted by: Jim Brown
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JEWISH JOKE
Subject: Oy ~Vay
Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, 'I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for de night.'
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, 'I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is completely booked.'
Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
'Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. 'I can take his room.'
'I'm sorry, madam,' says the clerk, 'but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews.'
'Jews?' exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. 'So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic.'
In obvious disbelief, the clerk asks her, 'If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of G-d?'
'Dot's easy,' says Mrs. Rosenberg, 'Jesus Christ.'
The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, 'Who was Jesus' mother and father?'
'Mary and Joseph,' replies Mrs. Rosenberg , testily.
Then the clerk asks, 'And where was Jesus born?'
'In a manger in a barn,' answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.
'And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?' asks the clerk.
''Cause a shmock like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!'
Submitted by: Dave Gasway
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LAWYER JOKE
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
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CLASSIC JOKE
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn
construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and
decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and
talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up at the steelworks and yelled,"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"?
The worker yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch."
Submitted by: Aileen Gordon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
I thought everybody should know how to make an At Home DNA Kit for their children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews.
Creating a DNA kit of your children at home is easy and can help police find your child if he or she is ever abducted. All that's needed is a set of nail clippers, cotton swabs, a comb, gauze pads, and a freezer bag.
Rub the tip of the cotton swab inside the child's right and left cheek. Clip your child's fingernails and save the clippings. Comb through the child's hair and save some of the loose hairs in the comb. Next time the child skins his or her knee, use the gauze pad to collect and preserve some of the blood. Take all the samples, and a baby tooth if you have one, and place into a freezer bag. Seal the bag, label it, and place it in the freezer where it can be preserved for years.
Having a DNA kit should not take the place of parents keeping a watchful eye on their children.
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