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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde tried to sell his old car. But he had a lot of trouble because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day he mentioned his problem to a brunette working in the same factory.
The brunette said to him, "There's a way to make the car saleable, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."
"OK," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. If you tell him I sent you, he'll turn the counter in your car back to 50,000miles. Then you shouldn't have any problem selling it."
So the following weekend the blonde made a trip to the shop. About one month after that the brunette asked the blonde: "Well, did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It has only 50,000 miles on it."
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GOLF JOKE
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
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JEWISH JOKE
THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
4. His mother was sure he was God.
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LAWYER JOKE
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...So if I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
TRUTHS
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket,.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness-but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Facts
Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933. It was built to last 2,000 years.
The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years.
The federal government owns 624 million acres, or 27 percent of the country's land.
An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel.
The first e-mail was sent over the Internet in 1972.
Grant Wood's famous painting of an old Indiana couple posing in front of their farmhouse is considered the definitive portrait of the Midwestern farmer. In actuality, the man and women aren't really a couple nor are they farmers. Also, the "farmhouse" in the picture was once used as a bordello.
A cubic mile of ordinary fog contains less than a gallon of water.
The shelf life of vitamins is six or more years if they're protected from heat, moisture, and light.
The distinctive smell that you experience upon opening a box of crayons
comes from stearic acid, which is the formal name for processed beef fat.
The average house wife walks 10 miles a day around the house doing her chores. In addition, she walks nearly 4 miles and spends 25 hours a year making beds.
Ian Fleming, creator of the JAMES BOND adventure novels also wrote CHITTY-CHITTY BANG BANG.
The site of Mount Everest is at about the same latitude as Tampa, FL.
Everest's extreme cold is due to its altitude, not its latitude.
If a surgeon in Ancient Egypt lost a patient while performing an operation,
his hands were cut off.
Most of the world's people must walk at least 3 hours to fetch water
A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.
On the ocean, a nautical mile measures 6,080 feet.
A land or statute mile is 5,280 feet.
The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth.
More women than men have earned bachelor's degrees every year since 1982.
Ninety-nine percent of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct. Each day, up to 150 species of life become extinct.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
The Food and Drug Administration stipulates that all fish to be eaten raw
(with the exception of tuna) must be frozen first, in order to kill parasites.
The average American eats 5 gallons of frozen desserts a year.
If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
In 1060, a coin was minted in England shaped like a clover. The user could break off any of the four leaves and use them as separate pieces of currency.
On average, the Statue of Liberty's fingernails weigh 100 lbs apiece.
Hoover Dam, on the border between Nevada and Arizona, contains 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete, enough to pave a two-lane highway from San Francisco, California, to New York City, New York, a distance of 2,930 miles.
Your heart rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn.
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