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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
I had decided to go shopping to get a gift for my wife. We were going to be taking a trip, and I knew that she would need a new swim suit. I had been to several stores, but could not find one that I knew she would wear. My wife is very modest. As I was headed home disappointed in not finding what I had been shopping for, I noticed a women's clothing store and decided to give it one last try. As I entered the store I was met by a very attractive blonde sales clerk. "Can I help you find anything special today sir?" I replied, "Maybe you can. I'm looking for a swim suit for my wife. I know that she would prefer a one piece suit if you have them."
The clerk looked a little puzzled....."Do you think that she would prefer the top or the bottom?"
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GOLF JOKE
Dedicated Golfer
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
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JEWISH JOKE
Subject: Oy ~Vay
Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, 'I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for de night.'
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, 'I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is completely booked.'
Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
'Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. 'I can take his room.'
'I'm sorry, madam,' says the clerk, 'but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews.'
'Jews?' exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. 'So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic.'
In obvious disbelief, the clerk asks her, 'If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of G-d?'
'Dot's easy,' says Mrs. Rosenberg, 'Jesus Christ.'
The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, 'Who was Jesus' mother and father?'
'Mary and Joseph,' replies Mrs. Rosenberg , testily.
Then the clerk asks, 'And where was Jesus born?'
'In a manger in a barn,' answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.
'And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?' asks the clerk.
''Cause a shmock like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!'
Submitted by: Dave Gasway
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LAWYER JOKE
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...So if I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Information
1. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
2. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
3. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
4. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
5. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
6. The "sixth sick sheiks sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!
7. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
8. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
9. Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
11. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
12. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
13. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand, lollipop with your right.
14. A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
15. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
16. The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
17. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
18. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
19. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
20. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.
21. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
22. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
23. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
24. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.
25. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: indivisibility.
26. A snail can sleep for three years.
27. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.
28. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
29. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
30. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
31. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
32. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating is uncopyrightable.
33. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
34. It's impossible to lick your elbow.
35. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.
36. Pinocchio is Italian for pine eye.
37. Rats and horses can't vomit.
38. The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
39. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
40. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
41. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
42. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
43. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
44. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
45. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
46. Butterflies taste with their feet.
submitted by: Harold Greene
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