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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, which provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
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GOLF JOKE
Subject: The Truly Useful Golf Book
The Truly Useful Golf Book. It includes the following chapters:
* How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
* How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
* How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
* How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
* When to Give the Ranger the Finger
* Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
* Crying and How to Handle it
* Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
* How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
* How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
* Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
* How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed
* How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
* When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
* G-d and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
I understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever"
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JEWISH JOKE
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
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LAWYER JOKE
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."
"So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile.
"That's a banker," came the reply.
"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked.
The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."
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CLASSIC JOKE
An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was. "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"Thats an unusual name for your wife - Three Horse - What does it mean?"
"Its an old indian name...means... Nag - Nag - Nag "
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
(Not a Joke) WD-40 uses!
A friend sent this to me, and when I read the "shower door" part I tried it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. Mine is plastic, not glass and it's a miracle! Then I tried my stove top.... Voila! it's now shinier than it's ever been. I'm amazed. (Read all the way down.)
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. It's name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest, as they say, is history.
It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are some of the uses:
Protects silver from tarnishing
Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
Keeps flies off cows
Restores and cleans chalkboards
Removes lipstick stains
Loosens stubborn zippers
Untangles jewelry chains
Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
Removes tomato stains from clothing
Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
Keeps scissors working smoothly
Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy
handling
Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running
smoothly
Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
Removes splattered grease on stove
Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
Lubricates prosthetic limbs
Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
Removes all traces of duct tape
I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain.
One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts fish.
WD-40 has been designated the "official multipurpose problem-solver of
NASCAR," a ringing endorsement if there ever was one. Can WD-40 can
solve the Jeff Gordon problem?
In celebration of their 50th year, the company conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of it's customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is a WD-40 Fan Club).
They compiled the information to identify the favorite use in each of the 50 states. Naturally I was curious about Georgia and Alabama and found the favorite use in both states was that it "penetrates stuck bolts, lug nuts, and hose ends." Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
California's favorite use was penetrating the bolts on the Golden Gate Bridge.
Let me close with one final, wonderful use--the favorite use in the state of New York--WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
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