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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
She was sooooo Blonde
She thinks Taco bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF", which she thought stood for "Tits Go In Front".
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on the "Soul Train".
She sold the car for gas money.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here", she wrote "Sagittarius".
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GOLF JOKE
Senior Rules of Golf
Rule #1
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule #2
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule #3
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule #4
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it's deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule #5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule #6
There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule #7
There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule #8
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
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JEWISH JOKE
Meyer, a lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along the street one day wishing that something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish.
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du....yeah, du....outside, standing like a putzel....eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. When suddenly the proprietor sprang out from the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here fella and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vu den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked to the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends.
They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers.
The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to davan and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the high holy days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (at even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed. Meyer heard not a peep from the bird.
He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found out that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing.
Finally, several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made you tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
“Don't be a shmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kipper!"
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LAWYER JOKE
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
Submitted by: Lindsay G.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
HYPOTHERMIA: FIRST AID
Under most conditions your body maintains a healthy temperature. However, when exposed to cold temperatures or a cool, damp environment for prolonged periods, your body's control mechanisms may fail to keep your body temperature normal. When more heat is lost than your body can generate, hypothermia can result.
Wet or damp clothing can increase your chances of hypothermia, as can falling into cold water. An uncovered head and inadequate clothing during winter are other possible causes.
The key sign of hypothermia is an internal body temperature that drops to less than 95 F. Signs and symptoms include:
„X Shivering
„X Slurred speech
„X Abnormally slow breathing
„X Cold, pale skin
„X Loss of coordination
„X Fatigue, lethargy or apathy
Symptoms usually develop slowly. Someone with hypothermia typically experiences gradual loss of mental acuity and physical ability and so may be unaware of the need for emergency medical treatment.
Older adults, infants and young children, and people who are very lean are at particular risk. Other people at higher risk for hypothermia than the general public include those whose judgment may be impaired by mental illness or Alzheimer's disease and people who are intoxicated, homeless or caught in cold weather because their vehicles have broken down. Other conditions that may predispose people to hypothermia are malnutrition, cardiovascular disease and an underactive thyroid.
To care for someone with hypothermia:
1. Move the person out of the cold. If going indoors isn't possible, protect the person from the wind, cover his or her head and insulate his or her body from the cold ground.
2. Remove wet clothing. Replace wet things with a warm, dry covering.
3. Dial 911 or call for emergency medical assistance. While waiting for help to arrive, monitor the person's breathing. If breathing stops or seems dangerously slow or shallow, begin cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) immediately.
4. Don't apply direct heat. Don't use hot water, a heating pad or a heating lamp to warm the victim. Instead, apply warm compresses to the neck, chest wall and groin. Don't attempt to warm the arms and legs. Heat applied to the arms and legs forces cold blood back toward the heart, lungs and brain causing the core body temperature to actually drop. This can be fatal.
5. Don't give the person alcohol. Offer warm nonalcoholic drinks unless he or she is vomiting.
6. Don't massage or rub the person. Handle people with hypothermia gently because they're at risk of cardiac arrest.
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