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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient windows. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.
Guess he felt really stupid, huh???
submitted by: Judy Herbst
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GOLF JOKE
Wife to husband, "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."
"Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."
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JEWISH JOKE
HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE
Question 1) How do you know when you are at an Orthodox Jewish Wedding?
Answer: The mother of the bride is pregnant.
Question 2) How do you know when you are at a Conservative Jewish Wedding?
Answer: The bride is pregnant.
Question 3) How do you know when you are at a Reform ? Jewish Wedding?
Answer: The rabbi is pregnant.
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CLASSIC JOKE
How To Know You're Growing Older"
-Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
-The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
-You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
-Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
-You get winded playing chess.
-Your children begin to look middle aged.
-You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
-You join a health club and don't go.
-You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
-You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.
-Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
-You need glasses... to find your teeth.
-A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
-You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
-You look forward to a dull evening.
-You walk with your head held high trying to get use to your bifocals.
-Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
-You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
-You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
-Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
-You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
-You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
-After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
-Dialing long distance wears you out.
-You're startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer."
-You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
-You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
-You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m..
-Your back goes out more than you do.
-A fortune teller offers to read your face.
-The little gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
-You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
-You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
-Your sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
-You go to the beauty shop so they can touch up those gray hairs...on your chin.
-When you go to get your hair cut...in your ears.
-When you don't know where the mustache ends and the nose hair begins.
-When Maalox is your after dinner drink.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Good information and recommendations...hope it helps. ----- Original Message -----Subject: Free legal advice - how to protect your identity We often forget that we too can become victims -Please take time to read the following: A corporate attorney in New York sent this out to the employees in his company. I am passing it along, for your information.
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc., you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place.
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and
within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway
computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the
damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never ever thought to do this) - Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost 2 weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
