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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,"How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and shouts back,You ARE on the other side."
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GOLF JOKE
Dedicated Golfer
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
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JEWISH JOKE
Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered
around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,
Mama--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Rachel--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
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LAWYER JOKE
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do G-d's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
Submitted by: Scrubman
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CLASSIC JOKE
1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of
the members knows how to play one.
2. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn
that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, 'I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women
stand up.
4. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season
is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of.'
6. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the choir is known as the
'OK Chorale.'
7. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.
8. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people think 'rapture' is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized 'Wheeling ' washtub.
10. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the choir robes were donated
by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.
12. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are
called to service by a duck call.
13. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's
Farm 'Tickled Pink.'
15. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... 'Thou shall not covet' applies
to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, “'Y'all come back now, ya heah. G-d Bless and don't Y'all
fergit ta say yer prayers!!!”
Submitted by: Jim Brown
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USEFUL INFORMATION
" History of "Taps"
I've never heard this story, but history and music buffs (and others) will be moved by it. We have all heard the haunting song, "Taps." It's the song that gives us that lump in our throats and usually creates tears in our eyes. But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be pleased to find out about it's humble beginnings.
Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead. The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army. The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as "Taps" used at military funerals, was born.
Day is done
Gone the sun
From the Lakes
From the hills
From the sky.
All is well,
Safely rest.
G-D is nigh.
Fading light
Dims the sight
And a star
Gems the sky,
Gleaming bright
From afar,
Drawing nigh,
Falls the night.
Thanks and praise,
For our days,
Neath the sun,
Neath the stars,
Neath the sky,
As we go,
This we know,
G-d is nigh.
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