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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of G-d to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent" They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing"!
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GOLF JOKE
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddy looks at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
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JEWISH JOKE
A conversation with a Jewish mother
- Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
- You're going out?
- Yes,
- With whom?
- With a friend.
- I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
- I didn't leave him. He left me!
- You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
- I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
- I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
- There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
- What are you hinting at?
- Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
- You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
- My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he
left me, he probably never slept alone!
- So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
- He's not a loser.
- A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and
a parasite.
- I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
- Poor children with such a mother.
- Such as what?
- With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
- ENOUGH!
- Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
- Now you're worried about the loser?
- Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
- Good-bye, mother.
- Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
- I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
- If you never go out, how do you ever expect to meet anyone
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LAWYER JOKE
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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CLASSIC JOKE
An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that G-d's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke, on my bill.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the L*rd and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Most of us take the summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of scam has surfaced. Fall for it and your identity could be stolen, reports CBS. In this con, someone calls pretending to be a court official who threateningly says a warrant has been issued for your arrest because you didn't show up for jury duty. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Sometimes they even ask for credit card numbers. Give out any of this information and .... Bingo! Your identity has just been stolen. The scam has been reported so far in 11 states. This scam is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully peopl e into giving information by pretending they're with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud
Here is the link if you want to check it out. http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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