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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited. She loved her phone. He explained to her all the features on the phone.
The next day she went shopping. Her phone rang, and it was her husband calling.
"Hi, hon," he said. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replied "I just love it. It's so small, and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
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GOLF JOKE
Wife to husband, "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."
"Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."
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JEWISH JOKE
The Captain of a Syrian airliner sends out a message: This is Syrian Airlines 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mid-east other than Israel.
No Answer
A short time later he announces, "this is Syrian Airline 174 again we have lost two engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-east other than Israel.
Silence
A while later the Captain announces This is Syrian Airline 174 we are desperate. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any Airport in the mid-east other than Israel.
Still no answer
Finally, the Captain calls help this is Syrian airlines 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-east including Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airline cockpit. Shalom Syrian Air 174--This is Tel Aviv Airport, we would like to help!
G-d bless you, says the Syrian pilot--What should we do?
REPEAT AFTER ME; YITGADAL, VYITKADASH
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LAWYER JOKE
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
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CLASSIC JOKE
A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment):n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*head): n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up - but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks):n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope):n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer):n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da):n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee):n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz): v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair dresser (hare dres*er): n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware store (hard*war stor): n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth): n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "focus....breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik): n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park): v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens): n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n.
Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae): n.
A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
TIPS TO COMBAT ID THEFT
1. Check your credit at freecreditreport.com
2. Be skeptical of any request by phone, in person or on line, for information about accounts or finances.
3. Keep your Social Security card in a safe place, not in your purse or wallet.
4. Buy a shredder and use it when disposing of any financial data.
5. Deposit all outgoing mail in official Postal Service Collection boxes.
6. Beware of any E-Mail asking for account information. Do not reply with your personal information.
7. Monitor personal accounts, check your bills carefully. Immediately report any inconsistencies.
8. Helpful site for parents, teachers and students: incredibleinternet.com.
9. If you become a victim, contact the Federal Trade Commission at: www.consumer.gov/idtheft or call 1-877-IDTHEFT.
10. Also remember no government agency will e-mail you asking for any personal information.
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