Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then
she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
Senior Rules of Golf
Rule #1
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule #2
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule #3
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule #4
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it's deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule #5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule #6
There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule #7
There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule #8
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
THE JEWISH GUIDE TO GOOD HEALTH
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you meshuga? ......Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Now go have a biscuit........flour comes from wheat, which is a veggie!
And finally ; if swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
At last, men demystified!
~~ The Man Code ~~
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours
his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a
good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
optional and slightly gay.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
party.
Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem you didn't see
nothin'.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
topless super model...and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring
to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in discussing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him...too gay."
"Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
Things you may not have known..................
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - other wise it will digest itself.
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print.
12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English aw,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (sorta obvious)
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
