Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
Two lawyers, Jeff and Gregg head out for their usual 9 holkes of golf. Jeff offers Gregg a $50.00 bet. Gregg agrees and they get started. They both shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Gregg is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th hole.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he he says to Jeff. After a few minutes, neither of them has any luck finding the ball. Since a lost ball carries a 4 point penalty, Gregg secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses in to the ground. “I’ve found my ball” he says.
“After all of the years we’ve been playing together,” Jeff says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy $50.00 dollars!”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you are a liar, too!” Jeff says. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last 10 minutes!”
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in
Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with
marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will
just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones
on which alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good
paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
13. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it's loud enough for everyone
else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't
afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a
good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you
know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple,
G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida
is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after,
how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a
big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in
the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's life
when he must stand up and tell his mother
that he is an Adult. This usually happens
at around age 45.
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
You Gotta Love the Irish!!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "L*rd take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
submitted by: Elmer Nance
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
A Friend Is Someone
Who Reaches For Your
Hand But Touches Your Heart
"The Only Way To Have A Friend Is To Be One."
submitted by: Elmer Nance
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
