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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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GOLF JOKE
- Drives long, and straight, and true happen only on doglegged fairways.
- Your best swings are your practice swings.
- Golfers best friends are mulligans.
- Your longest drives are on the shortest holes.
- Golf balls are considered to be part of the natural habitat of water hazards.
- Alligators and other beasts can be found in water hazards -- even in Duluth, Minn. in January
- New golf balls go deeper into the woods than old golf balls.
- Every golf course should have a vodka fountain on the roughest holes.
- When a golfer has done well on a hole, and is pleased with himself, the next three holes will be catastrophic.
- When you go to the first tee feeling confident -- go home.
- On the golf course, new golf clubs never work.
- A golfer only sinks long putts when nobody is looking.
- When people are looking, making short putts is impossible.
- The farther you are over par, the harder the putts, no matter how short.
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JEWISH JOKE
Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POUF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said; "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POUF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."
Izzy says, ... "Fill it up with water."
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LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
“My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.....-
G-d, I miss him!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
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CLASSIC JOKE
You know you have a BIG dog when...
The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.
It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.
You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.
You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.
You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house.
After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.
You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.
Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively.
You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.
You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.
You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.
Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.
You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.
You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.
While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.
You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.
You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"
The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.
Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.
You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.
The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.
Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.
You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.
Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.
You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television.
After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Good information and recommendations...hope it helps. ----- Original Message -----Subject: Free legal advice - how to protect your identity We often forget that we too can become victims -Please take time to read the following: A corporate attorney in New York sent this out to the employees in his company. I am passing it along, for your information.
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc., you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place.
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and
within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway
computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the
damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never ever thought to do this) - Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost 2 weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
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