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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
An old blacksmith realized it was time to quit working so hard, so he picked out a strong young blonde man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the blonde young man. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith!
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GOLF JOKE
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS ...
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball half way there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10. ;
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
T here are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery!
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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JEWISH JOKE
Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.
After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!"
The others sighed sympathetically.
Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!"
The others nodded.
A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!"
The others nodded as if in agreement. Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"
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LAWYER JOKE
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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CLASSIC JOKE
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Dear L*rd, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, L*rd, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Submitted by: Leslie Granowitz
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Do not turn on A/C immediately as soon as you enter the car
The given article is based on true facts!
Please do not turn on A/C immediately as soon as you enter the car. Open the windows after you enter your car and turn ON the air-conditioning after a couple of minutes.
According to a research done, the car dashboard, sofa, air freshener emits Benzene, a Cancer causing toxin (carcinogen - take note of the heated plastic Smell in your car).
In addition to causing cancer, it poisons your bones, causes anemia, and reduces white blood cells.
Prolonged exposure will cause Leukemia,increasing the risk of cancer. May also cause miscarriage.
Acceptable Benzene level indoors is 50 mg per sq. ft.. A car parked indoors with the windows closed will contain 400-800 mg of Benzene. If parked outdoors under the sun at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the Benzene level goes up to 2000-4000 mg, 40 times the acceptable level... & the people inside the car will inevitably inhale an excess amount of the toxins.
It is recommended that you open the windows and door to give time for the interior to air out before you enter.
Benzene is a toxin that affects your kidney and liver, and is very difficult for your body to expel this toxic stuff.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/benzene.asp
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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