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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told them she couldn't.
The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die."
So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on.
In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened.
They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying, "Breathe in-breathe out, breathe in-breathe out."
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GOLF JOKE
Four major executives from various countries were playing golf together. On the second tee they heard a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares", the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. I'm such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me anytime, Therefore I carry a cell phone with me everywhere I go the Canadian Executive says.
On the next tee, they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb in his ear, and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular phone.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stand up tall and says "O.K. sell the company now. Danka. He losens up and tells the others "i"m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.
At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. They find the Japanese guy in the bushes with his pants around his ankles and squatting as if to take a dump.
"Oh we are very sorry the American says, we will leave you alone,"
That's O.K. the Japanese executive says, "I'm just waiting for a FAX."
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JEWISH JOKE
What's the difference between a Christian wife and a Jewish wife?
The Christian wife says: "Thank G-d you bought Viagra."
The Jewish wife says: "Thank G-d you bought Pfizer".
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CLASSIC JOKE
You know you have a BIG dog when...
The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.
It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.
You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.
You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.
You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house.
After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.
You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.
Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively.
You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.
You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.
You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.
Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.
You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.
You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.
While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.
You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.
You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"
The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.
Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.
You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.
The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.
Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.
You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.
Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.
You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television.
After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Kings in a deck of cards
King of Spades: King David
King of Hearts: Charlemagne always with Ermine Coat
King of Diamonds: Julius Caesar always in profile, with hand extended
King of Clubs: Alexander the Great always holds orb
Submitted by: JRZ
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
