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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
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GOLF JOKE
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much
this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my
window?""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do
you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."
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JEWISH JOKE
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic Priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
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CLASSIC JOKE
Thought for the day
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.
submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK ALONE
Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're driving home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home; unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.
What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course neglected to tell you how to perform it on yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article seemed to be in order.
Without help, the person whose heart stops beating properly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough.
The cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. And a cough must be repeated about every 2 seconds without let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON ...
Submitted by Dr. Bob F.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
