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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Three women escape from prison: one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They run for miles until they come upon an old barn. They decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.
When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them. So the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it and she went, "Bow-wow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she went, "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again and the blonde said, "Potatoes."
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GOLF JOKE
GOLF SAYINGS
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4 Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: " Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even G-d can hit a 1-iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If G-d wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high- volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of
stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." Said the caddie.
submitted by: D Gasway
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JEWISH JOKE
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday
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LAWYER JOKE
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language, things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please mama!"
Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful!
Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!
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USEFUL INFORMATION
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the
bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar as lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what
we know today as the honeymoon.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is
the phrase inspired by this practice.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.
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