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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A young woman said to her doctor: "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled: "OW, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled: "OUCH! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "OW, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman: "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why YES," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger.
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GOLF JOKE
Golf Wisdom
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> When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
> ~Author Unknown.
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> I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
> ~Raymond Floyd
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> The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
> ~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
>
> Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
> ~Jim Bishop
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> It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
> I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
> ~Hank Aaron
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> Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
> ~Paul Harvey
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> Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
> ~Jack Benny
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> Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
> ~Al Boliska
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> The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
> ~Billy Graham
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> Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
> ~Ben Hogan
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> Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball.
> Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
> ~Chuck Hogan
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> If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
> ~Jack Lemmon
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> It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
> ~Mark Twain
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> Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
>
> ~Harry Vardon
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> Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
> ~Woodrow Wilson
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> A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
> ~Author Unknown
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> My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
> ~Author Unknown
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> Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
> ~Jimmy DeMaret
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> May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
> ~Author Unknown
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> If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
> ~George Deukmejian
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> AND FINALLY....
>
> Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
> ~Author Unknown
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JEWISH JOKE
Isaac Weiss, a married man, goes to the shul and tells the Rabbi, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The Rabbi says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
Isaac says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The Rabbi replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, pray for forgiveness and put $50 in the 'Tzedakah box'."
Isaac leaves the Rabbi, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the Tzedakah box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The Rabbi, who was watching, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the Tzedakah box!"
Isaac replied, "Well, Rabbi, I rubbed the $50 against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
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LAWYER JOKE
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do G-d's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
Submitted by: Scrubman
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CLASSIC JOKE
Sol & Sadie have just gotten married. Sol is 86 and Sadie is 83.
Sadie says, "Sol, it's our wedding night. Come up stairs and make love to me".
And Sol says, " I can only do one or the other."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
FEMALE HEART ATTACKS
>
> I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is the best description I've ever read.
>
> Women and heart attacks (Myocardial infarction). Did you know that women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing heart attack. You know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest & dropping to the floor that we see in the movies. Here is the story of one woman's experience with a heart attack.
>
> 'I had a heart attack at about 10 :30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might've brought it on. I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking, 'A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up.
>
> A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you've been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you've swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn't have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation---the only trou ble was that I hadn't taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m.
>
> After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasming), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR).
>
> This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. 'AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening -- we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven't we? I said aloud to myself and the cat, Dear God, I think I'm having a heart attack!
>
> I lowered the footrest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn't be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else ... but, on the other hand, if I don't, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in moment.
>
> I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics .. I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn't feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts. She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to unbolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in.
>
> I unlocked the door and then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don't remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the cardiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like 'Have you taken any medications?') but I couldn't make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stents to hold open my right coronary artery.
>
> 'I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the Paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stents.
>
> 'Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want all of you who are so important in my life to know what I learned first hand.'
>
> 1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body not the usual men's symptoms but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act) It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn't know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they'll feel better in the morning when they wake up ... which doesn't happen. My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you've not felt before. It is better to have a 'false alarm' visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!
>
> 2. Note that I said 'Call the Paramedics.' And if you can take an asprin. Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER - you are a hazard to others on the road. Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what's happening with you instead of the road. Do NOT call your doctor -- he doesn't know where you live and if it's at night you won't reach him anyway, and if it's daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn't carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN, that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.
>
> 3. Don't assume it couldn't be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it's unbelievably high and/or accompanied by high blood pressure). MIs are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware The more we know, the better chance we could survive.
Submitted by: Sharron Cohen
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