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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
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GOLF JOKE
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS ...
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball half way there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10. ;
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
T here are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery!
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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JEWISH JOKE
A man's son was about four years old.
The young boy had just come home from Hebrew school. His father asked him what he'd learned that day.
The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"
The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised", but the answer was still "Yes."
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LAWYER JOKE
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. "Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. "Be strong, honey. I love you too...."
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque buildup.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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