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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day the redhead had painted 3 miles the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited he told the blonde to keep it up and the job was hers.
The next day the red head painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles. The boss told the blonde not to worry for she still have a good lead.
On the third day the red head painted 6 miles the brunette 5 miles and the blond only one mile.
The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well".
She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away".
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GOLF JOKE
The Rules Of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally
one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of a hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally
take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well formed
bunkers.
8. Players are not to mention other courses they have played or are
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should assure themsleves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrased if they find the course
to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when in this case.
12. Players are advised to obtain owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several time in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
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JEWISH JOKE
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?
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CLASSIC JOKE
Strawberry Fertilizer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
Submitted by: Aileen Gordon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
How To Stay Young and Happy!
Throw out all the non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them - that is why you pay him.
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few of your relatives to do the job.
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let your brain idle.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you our entire life is yourself.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health. If it is good - preserve it. If it is unstable - improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve - get help.
Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country... but not to guilt.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
And remember that Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take... but by the moments that take our breath away!
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
