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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I’m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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GOLF JOKE
Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my Ball Retriever REGRIPPED !"
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JEWISH JOKE
Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POUF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said; "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POUF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."
Izzy says, ... "Fill it up with water."
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LAWYER JOKE
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Submitted by: Alicia Risdon
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CLASSIC JOKE
THE FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
5."They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."
2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
put your ear down real close?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
your desk...
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
Submitted by: Aileen Gordon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Good information and recommendations...hope it helps. ----- Original Message -----Subject: Free legal advice - how to protect your identity We often forget that we too can become victims -Please take time to read the following: A corporate attorney in New York sent this out to the employees in his company. I am passing it along, for your information.
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc., you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place.
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and
within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway
computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the
damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never ever thought to do this) - Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost 2 weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
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