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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A good looking, very shapely blonde was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the obviously wealthy, handsome gentleman reading a leather-bound book. The gentleman was reclined on a blanket very near her.
"Hello, sir," she said, "I was just wondering, In addition to reading -- do you like movies?" "Yes, I do. I'm an avid movie fan. I like to see movies after I have
read the book," he responded." He continued, "I even like history and politics.I'm a
sucker for the old classics. I must admit, sometimes I catch myself attending
musicals and even the sex and violence types. Yes, I love a good movie." He
smiled, then started reading his book again.
Blonde persisted. "Do you like gardening? Do you get turned on with our beautiful native plants? Do you like flowers as much as I do?" The man stopped reading and looked up from his book and said very politely, "Yes, I do. I enjoy working with plants very much. I love to garden. Native plants I love; but, I also love the exotics -- orchids, bromeliads, ferns of all types, plants with unusual leaves, trees with beautiful shedding bark -- yes, I'm obsessed with horticulture." He smiled and returned to his reading.
Undaunted, Blonde asked, "Tell me, do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on the young woman, ripping off her bikini top and quickly removing the scant covering of her goodies. In seconds they were locked in a lover's embrace and she was being ravaged. He continued to pound her until she was breathless. Never in her life had a man made love to her like that. It was more than love, it was jungle sex in its most refined form.
As the sand started to settle, as soon as Blonde could manage to wipe the sweat from her eyes and get into a semi-upright position she half-whispered, half-panted, "My G-d, How did you know that was what I wanted? How did you know I wanted you to take me like that? How did you know I liked it fast and rough?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "I also have a question, Just how in the hell did you know my name was Katz?
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GOLF JOKE
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and
lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto
the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes
sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before
it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its
mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops
down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the
green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the
ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't
stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
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JEWISH JOKE
The Captain of a Syrian airliner sends out a message: This is Syrian Airlines 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mid-east other than Israel.
No Answer
A short time later he announces, "this is Syrian Airline 174 again we have lost two engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-east other than Israel.
Silence
A while later the Captain announces This is Syrian Airline 174 we are desperate. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any Airport in the mid-east other than Israel.
Still no answer
Finally, the Captain calls help this is Syrian airlines 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-east including Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airline cockpit. Shalom Syrian Air 174--This is Tel Aviv Airport, we would like to help!
G-d bless you, says the Syrian pilot--What should we do?
REPEAT AFTER ME; YITGADAL, VYITKADASH
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LAWYER JOKE
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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CLASSIC JOKE
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Submitted by: Scrubman
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Good information and recommendations...hope it helps. ----- Original Message -----Subject: Free legal advice - how to protect your identity We often forget that we too can become victims -Please take time to read the following: A corporate attorney in New York sent this out to the employees in his company. I am passing it along, for your information.
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc., you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place.
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and
within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway
computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the
damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never ever thought to do this) - Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost 2 weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
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