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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist
and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able
to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure weŽll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd
rather have my husband's baby."
Submitted by Harold Greene
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GOLF JOKE
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer .
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks
"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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JEWISH JOKE
Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in
Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with
marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will
just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones
on which alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good
paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
13. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it's loud enough for everyone
else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't
afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a
good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you
know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple,
G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida
is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after,
how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a
big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in
the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's life
when he must stand up and tell his mother
that he is an Adult. This usually happens
at around age 45.
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LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.....-
G-d, I miss him!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
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CLASSIC JOKE
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna
casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
I just wanted to pass some information on to you. I was watching Channel 2 this morning. They had a Dr. Edward Fujimoto from Castle Hospital on the program. He is the manager of the Wellness Program at the hospital. He was talking about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat and plastics releases dioxins into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Dioxins are carcinogens and highly toxic to the cells of our bodies. Instead, he recommends using glass, Corning Ware, or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results without the dioxins.
So such things as TV dinners, and soups, etc. should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. Just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc.
He said we might remember when some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.
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