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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
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Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
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What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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GOLF JOKE
In the 16 and 17 centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
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JEWISH JOKE
The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Purim .
"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."
"Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo."
"That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport... And try to get a seat on the plane... And I hate sitting in the middle..."
"Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"
"Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..."
"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..."
"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"
"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come...for you."
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LAWYER JOKE
A man walks into a bar.
He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a barstool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
HYPOTHERMIA: FIRST AID
Under most conditions your body maintains a healthy temperature. However, when exposed to cold temperatures or a cool, damp environment for prolonged periods, your body's control mechanisms may fail to keep your body temperature normal. When more heat is lost than your body can generate, hypothermia can result.
Wet or damp clothing can increase your chances of hypothermia, as can falling into cold water. An uncovered head and inadequate clothing during winter are other possible causes.
The key sign of hypothermia is an internal body temperature that drops to less than 95 F. Signs and symptoms include:
„X Shivering
„X Slurred speech
„X Abnormally slow breathing
„X Cold, pale skin
„X Loss of coordination
„X Fatigue, lethargy or apathy
Symptoms usually develop slowly. Someone with hypothermia typically experiences gradual loss of mental acuity and physical ability and so may be unaware of the need for emergency medical treatment.
Older adults, infants and young children, and people who are very lean are at particular risk. Other people at higher risk for hypothermia than the general public include those whose judgment may be impaired by mental illness or Alzheimer's disease and people who are intoxicated, homeless or caught in cold weather because their vehicles have broken down. Other conditions that may predispose people to hypothermia are malnutrition, cardiovascular disease and an underactive thyroid.
To care for someone with hypothermia:
1. Move the person out of the cold. If going indoors isn't possible, protect the person from the wind, cover his or her head and insulate his or her body from the cold ground.
2. Remove wet clothing. Replace wet things with a warm, dry covering.
3. Dial 911 or call for emergency medical assistance. While waiting for help to arrive, monitor the person's breathing. If breathing stops or seems dangerously slow or shallow, begin cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) immediately.
4. Don't apply direct heat. Don't use hot water, a heating pad or a heating lamp to warm the victim. Instead, apply warm compresses to the neck, chest wall and groin. Don't attempt to warm the arms and legs. Heat applied to the arms and legs forces cold blood back toward the heart, lungs and brain causing the core body temperature to actually drop. This can be fatal.
5. Don't give the person alcohol. Offer warm nonalcoholic drinks unless he or she is vomiting.
6. Don't massage or rub the person. Handle people with hypothermia gently because they're at risk of cardiac arrest.
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