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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Q: What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them
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GOLF JOKE
GOLF SAYINGS
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4 Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: " Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even G-d can hit a 1-iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If G-d wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high- volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of
stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." Said the caddie.
submitted by: D Gasway
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JEWISH JOKE
RABBINICAL WISDOM
A little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on.
After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for the Sabbath
The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50.
The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition: that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: "What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?"
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands $1000 over to the Rabbi.
He then asks the Rabbi, "What kind of animal was it?"
The Rabbi says "How should I know"? and gives him $50.00.
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LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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CLASSIC JOKE
When you have a lot of things to do, it's best to get your nap out of the way first."
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
MIGHTY FINE ADVICE IN THESE WORDS
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it.
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson !
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship...
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY.. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
submitted by: Jeff G.
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