Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd
like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old
woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
Subject: Changes in the rule book of golf
2003 Golf Rule Book Changes
Rule 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule 4. If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6. There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds" If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology not a penalty.
Rule 7. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule 8. Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Senior Golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
An old story:
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, in all
likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews?
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
There is a truck driver who whenever he sees a lawyer walking down the street, he always swerves to hit him.
One day he sees a priest on the side of the road looking for a ride and so the truck driver picks him up. While they were driving, the driver sees a lawyer, and swerves to hit him. But then he remembered he had a priest in the truck, so he swerved back on the road, but he heard a loud 'thump' anyway. So the driver turns to the priest and says "Please forgive me." and the priest said, "You didn't hit the lawyer, but that's OK, I got him with the door."
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
PICTURE THIS:
Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane
stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith
had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown
before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front
of him throughout the entire flight.
The pilot approached the blind man, and calling him by name, said "Keith,
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".
Now, picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet stand still when
they look up and see the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Have a great day and remember things aren't always as they appear.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK ALONE
Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're driving home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home; unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.
What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course neglected to tell you how to perform it on yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article seemed to be in order.
Without help, the person whose heart stops beating properly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough.
The cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. And a cough must be repeated about every 2 seconds without let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON ...
Submitted by Dr. Bob F.
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
