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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five’s, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
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GOLF JOKE
Supposedly, this is posted at a golf club in Scotland
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down!
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you!
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please, while others are preparing.
10. Don’t take extra strokes!
11. Well done, now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off!
Submitted by: Jim Brown
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JEWISH JOKE
Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered
around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,
Mama--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Rachel--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
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LAWYER JOKE
What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.
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CLASSIC JOKE
Health & Safety Test
I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Frickin' large ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
More uses for Bounce
My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow jackets away.
Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.
It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
It also repels mice. Spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers, cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
Eliminates static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.
Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. Keeps them smelling fresh.
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