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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
She says, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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GOLF JOKE
A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"
The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
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JEWISH JOKE
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay can he get them anything and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My G-d where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store an old friend also fluent in Yiddish "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no else one will hear and says "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
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LAWYER JOKE
After completing law school and passing the bar, a man decides to open up a
private practice with one of his law school buddies as partner.
On their first day, they set up shop, and around lunchtime, the man's buddy
goes out to get them some sandwiches.
Two minutes later, a woman walks in -- their first client!
She asks him to draw up some papers and review a couple of very simple
contracts.
"That'll be $100," the man replies.
She complies, and having just gone to the bank, hands over a brand new,
crisp $100 bill.
The woman decides to leave for the next hour, leaving the man to resume his
work.
The man, relishing in his first payment as a lawyer, sits back in his brand
new, leather chair and holds the brand new, crisp $100 bill up to the light
with admiration and pride.
He sniffs the bill and starts to rub it a bit when suddenly, he discovers
that he was mistakenly given TWO $100 bills!!!
And thus, he was confronted with his first ethical dilemma as a lawyer.
Should he tell his partner?
Submitted by Renee Andert
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CLASSIC JOKE
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
submitted by: Jim Brown
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Things you may not have known..................
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - other wise it will digest itself.
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print.
12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English aw,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (sorta obvious)
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator
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