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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize this restaurant gives away is a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads,
"WIN A BAGEL."
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GOLF JOKE
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the
woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and
comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and
the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little
guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the
leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did
catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three
things that I would want.
I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game
is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it,
every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's
not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
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JEWISH JOKE
An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigwam and informs his father that he's found a wonderful new, Jewish, girlfriend and they're getting married.
Naturally the father is upset.
"Why don't you find a nice Indian girl? It's not right for Indians to marry out. Anyway, I'm sure that Jews feel the same way. Surely they're not thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law".
"Not true!", replies the brave. "They like me so much that they've already given their daughter a new Indian name".
"What's that?" says the father.
"Sitting Shiva"
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LAWYER JOKE
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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CLASSIC JOKE
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes in-verse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
submitted by: Ginny Price
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Gift Cards
Well the crooks have found a way to rob you of your gift card balance.
If you buy Gift Cards from a display rack that has various store cards you may become a victim of theft. Crooks are now jotting down the card numbers in the store and then wait a few days and call to see how much of a balance they have on the card. Once they find the card is "activated", they go online and start shopping.
You may want to purchase your card from a customer service person, where they do not have the Gift Cards viewable to the public.
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